Weird. Cold.

Ola Ola..

I'm weird.
Cold.
and jaded=)
Lolx, don't mind me.
The over-island trip do me good. Had fun. Sweating. lolx.
Well, back to work tomorrow again. Doing A.M shift for the next few 3 days, then comes Sat, its jalan raya time=)
I'm cooking Sambal Udang and Nasi Lemak. I should be cooking sambal kangkong as well lah gitu..

You know, I think I wna go for a short trip again.. maybe batam;) same stuff just 2 day 1 night trip.
It will do me lotsa good..
Taken lotsa pics..
We went cycling, ate dinner lunch breakfast together.. just chilling out.
I learnt to play Mahjong- card version. cool lah. huhu
and one more thing.
I went for an agonizing fish spa.
yes that lil fishes which eat our dead skin.
its irritatingly scary.
lolx
oklah actually not that scary.
just that me being sensitive it gives me chills.-.-
lolx lolx
a video taken of me being ridiculously noisy is hilarious lah.
wakakakaka
Im suppose to go out today but I didnt.
I wna be alone.
Just chill out with my guitar. listening to music.
well, ive started writing in my diary once again. its been a yr plus since i last wrote.
k lah this should be all for the moment.
and right now on my repeat mode on my iphone; Adele's set fire to the rain, one & only and Jars of heart by Christina Perri=))

GTG.
Peace out=)

Picture Perfect

Ola Ola,

Smile=)
I have this place in mind, Silvery Moon at Pasir Ris beach.. heard many of a times by peeps who went for a night out date without spending a bomb to impress..
It will be nice to chill out with good companies, I can have my own glass of liqour and just enjoy the sea breeze..

My thoughts are kinda overwhelm with work right now.
And EC.
yes yes you heard me right.
lolx
my sis and bro were "OMG ARE YOU FOR EFFING REAL?"
when I was so focus and nagging my sis to get her lappy charger coz I dont wna lose the game.
(I was in the midst of a battle you see)
I'm looking forward for a weekend getaway.
I will shutdown for that 2 days.
Refresh.
And back to reality.
Its a start of a new financial year.
reports.
reports.
and more reports.
Honestly, i aint sure if im up for it.
but the motivations have been helping by loved ones.
this will also enhance my chances to get me the RM post or I will stay as I am.
Definitely I will fight for it.
ive been complaining about "art of stoning" for the past few months..
this should do me some good.
and Oh,
In mind I'm excited, planning to celebrate my 29th bday in Venice, Italy.
its Gareth gates, Anyone of us music video to be blamed.
lolx
But then again, if I were to make some additional savings and intensive survey.. why not do some backpacking thru out Europe?
22 countries..
one month wont be enaf ehks?
hee
I might just board d plane at the same country for flight in and out.
I will have 15 days of leave next year, so I take another 15 of unpaid leave?
huhu..
I can do it=))

As for life,
I'm taking one day at a time.
No more dreams.
No more expectations.
Just objectives.
To get to my destination.

5yrs down the road.
Objectives that I had before I got engaged.
remains d same as it is now.
1) a house
2) a biz
3) travel
4) kids
5) financial stability

Wheres my destination?
=)
I'm not telling.
But I know I will be there.
I believe=)

Don't Under-estimate, Don't over-analyze

Ola Ola,

I've shown my tears,
my vurnerable side,
not because I wanted sympathy.
Definetely not because I'm weak.

Just because I know IF i never felt what I'm feeling then,
it simply means I'm saying goodbye.
it means i'm putting a stop.

I'm going in too deep already, I might drown.
drown with my own tears in my own effing make believe world.

Wheres the front ive always been hiding underneath.
I allow Love to control me.
Effing emotions to pull me down.
I should have known better.

At this point of time,
theres no time for looking backwards,
ive heard too many stuffs,
done too many stuffs,

heres a description of me;

Faded images reflected thru a mirror
constant teardrops staining the unfamiliar
Remembering an angel I once used to be
Laughter and joy that was stolen from me
Replacing memories with lust and sins
Searching for peace that lies withins
all hope and faith disappearing out of sight
leaving me stranded from losing this fight
Lost in a potrait lies a young innocent girl
afraid, alone, simply hiding out from this world
staring at the potrait is now she
no longer a girl but a lady
still afraid, still alone,
but no longer hiding from the big bad world
wrath and rage fills her in
but she still believe in love.

Don't make me hate you.

"For all that you meant to me, don't make me hate you. For I've given my all, don't make me leave you. For all the times you're the reason I stay, don't make you the perfect excuse for me to walk away. Coz if I can say I love you today, I can also say I don't love you like i did yesterday.~Copyrighted Elisha Suriani "

Ola Ola..

OK, I'm seething.

Fine, I am a less than 3 months married woman whos now undergoing a divorce.

Anyone not happy with that can come up to me and confront me. FACE TO FACE

Or shall I hang a sign around my neck that says just that??

I have enough shit doesnt mean that I can stop and stare and let the world stamp on me.


WTH, if needed to be. I just need MONEY!!
And if needed to be, for everyone who have wondered whos this girl.

I'M NO LONGER A GIRL.


AND YES, I LOVE WOMAN!


tsk.


For all that I had believed in from the start,


the faith that I had on.


is breaking me apart.

This will be a difficult period in my life, I need to be organized. I must be mentally, emotionally prepared.

Decisions have been made, only time will confirm everything.

Honestly, I'm numbed.

Try me, u can just stab me with a knife.

I won't feel a thing I swear

But I cant confirm that I will not die..

I wish I can disappear.

I wont need to play pretend that I'm ok whenever im not

I can simply mask the whole of me with the cloak of invisibilty

What are words?What is love? What is hurt?

To be loved, is that a lil bit too much to ask for????


HOW COME IM THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES STUFFs AND DONT FEEL LIKE IM OBLIGING????


BECOZ I TRULY LOVE?


Is that a mistake? a flaw?


I'm a saggitarius.


Ive never been DUMPED.


Just ONCE, n now I want her back.


I allowed myself to be a fool.


Many times.


I died again every time.


for EFFING WHY???


Hurting myself again & again.


if you love, will you do anything to be with the one you love?


How come im hearing down right excuses.


yeah I understand.. implicating.. dignity.. pride..


oh wait.


shes NOT ME.


I dont give a fuck over what people say.


I live my life my way.


I'd do anything.


One short of everything.


I never walks away.


I am always around


Shes weaken so easily.


Dont know what she wants.


what she needs.


What she can give.


scared.


afraid.


when I always hold her hand.


telling her everything is ok.


its never enough?


assurance from my side.


i dont need mine?


can you still see the heart of me?


all my agony fade away when you hold me in your embrace.


dont tear me down for all i need


make my heart a better place


give me something i can believe


youve opened the door dont let it close..


im here at the edge again i wish i can let it go


im at a point where I need to choose to turn around


i tried to love many times but nothing was real, I tried to make it fade away..


but all you did is walk away..


talking about the future how its gonna be beautiful,


understand fully
her wants of space, suffocation, restraint..
but she cant just come n go as she please bringing along my heart wherever she goes.
im dying to be alive.
8 years and still counting..

How can I not love you?

Ola ola..

Its 15minutes to 4am. I just got back. Finished work at 1am. Had some Me time, with my unfinished Danielle Steel book as my date. My fave songs on full blast and Black pepper Mcgrill Meal as my supper.
Just perfect.
I started to tear when somehow the song I'm listening relates to what I'm reading and ironically to what I feel as a person somehow.

So there I was alone at a corner dazing with tears on my eyes. I never felt so alone.
I've never done regrets. Things have happened. The sours that I've closed will remain closed.
I'm happy with what I've opened so far still I have to admit that I ain't sure which one I wna open next.

I'm stubborn yes I know.
At times I'm angry that I can make decisions on impulse, never regret but yet just one person,
Of whom I keep going back to.
She's the best and yes, I did regret letting her go.
Lesson learnt, I was burnt.
She is the one person I'll do anything for.
Just to see her smile, I will sacrifice my happiness.
It's been years, I guess it will never change.

My priorities never change. It will always be my career, then me then my family.
But I ain't gonna deny she's capable to move herself to 2nd priorty if allowed to.

I'm thankful that i was given a chance to experience marriage life but unfortunately,
It's not my forte. Those who followed my blog knows that I'm not one to pin point.
Things happen and I'll leave it at that. I just wna get over n done with.

As for Love, hurt as always will be an understatement for me especially.
But I still believe.
I still have faith.
Hope of which simply means waiting-.-

SECONDHAND SERENADE LYRICS

Send "Like A Knife" Ringtone to your Cell


"Like A Knife"

I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just"

Dear God..

Ola Ola..

"A lonely road crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I loved on purpose, hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Cant help but wish that I was there,
Back where i'd love to be"~Dear God Avenge Sevenfold

Thank you.
=')

I opened a new account in FB due to prying eyes to my personal life and changed the one that I was using to be my Blogshoppe.
I have no ill-intentions..
And my new account is definetely for people whom I consider a friend or part of my family.
Not just random strangers.
Clearly, that also became a problem..
Have things slip thru my mind when I said certain stuff or people is just being sensitive over what I post in FB?
Or do they realise that FB has a limit over how many friends you chose to add in a day..
Plus the fact that I add using the current account list which have over than 1.2k friends, I cant be possibly be adding so much when my new FB is merely 4days old?
Or those who clearly knows me that I cant see afar and needed people to acknowledge me or I will ignore not purposely but bcoz I never saw them..?
I'm not one to give a fuck abt what people say.
Somehow here I am explaining.
Becoz I felt like I'm being defame somehow..
and especially becoz when it implicates the ones I love n care.
Its NOONE's concern on who I choose to love.
Just coz u feel intimidated doesnt mean you have the right to ask.
I only answer to Allah and the closest ones to me..

well, I shall let bygones be bygones..
Good news is, I'm gonna be an Aunty=))
yeah my bro, Min.. is gonna be a daddy.
I'm so happy for him.=)

And suddenly I yearn for my own..
lil nazrein..
will I have one? ='(

Please remember me

Ola Ola..

There's a twist in my story.
At this moment, I can only plan about my future.
As a lady.
My expectattions in life.

I have fall many times I guess.
I'm suppose to feel numb but wahey, as ruthless as I get, As cold as I want to be..
I'm still human..
It doesnt matter anymore..
When we die.. we die alone, right?

People get broken many times because of love.
They became jaded to commit.
I Love by far because I need the person to be near.
I thought I am happy.
All I needed is someone who would love me for me.

I changed so much that I forgot the real me..
the one who used to cry for Love..
the one who used to think that Love is clean.
But I never want to be the person I used to be..
My faith & believe for just one person.. & I guess it will forever haunt me.

I've made crazy decisions in life..
But somehow it defines me,
I no longer wna play along with people's charades..
especially with the ones who dont deserve me..

If u think u dont deserve my worst then definitely you dont deserve my best,
I need someone who will be there for me, to push me to my highest command..
Not someone who chose to pull me down just coz you need me around..
I cant afford to risk my freedom, my career, my life for insecurities.
Not after I built it up with my own sweat & tears for the past 3 years.

I will still be around..
I will still cry..
I will still pray that everythings gonna be alright..

I will still love.
even if youre not mine.
its always been like this, no I dont want to be symphatise.
I will smile.
I will put up a fight.

When she's by your side, Please remember me.
I will still be here, you know where to find me.
when it rains, keep this thought that I might be crying somewhere,
when you shiver at night, remember the nights when you hold me close

<3
elisha suriani