princess angelisha

Weird. Cold.

2011-09-13T16:34:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

I'm weird.
Cold.
and jaded=)
Lolx, don't mind me.
The over-island trip do me good. Had fun. Sweating. lolx.
Well, back to work tomorrow again. Doing A.M shift for the next few 3 days, then comes Sat, its jalan raya time=)
I'm cooking Sambal Udang and Nasi Lemak. I should be cooking sambal kangkong as well lah gitu..

You know, I think I wna go for a short trip again.. maybe batam;) same stuff just 2 day 1 night trip.
It will do me lotsa good..
Taken lotsa pics..
We went cycling, ate dinner lunch breakfast together.. just chilling out.
I learnt to play Mahjong- card version. cool lah. huhu
and one more thing.
I went for an agonizing fish spa.
yes that lil fishes which eat our dead skin.
its irritatingly scary.
lolx
oklah actually not that scary.
just that me being sensitive it gives me chills.-.-
lolx lolx
a video taken of me being ridiculously noisy is hilarious lah.
wakakakaka
Im suppose to go out today but I didnt.
I wna be alone.
Just chill out with my guitar. listening to music.
well, ive started writing in my diary once again. its been a yr plus since i last wrote.
k lah this should be all for the moment.
and right now on my repeat mode on my iphone; Adele's set fire to the rain, one & only and Jars of heart by Christina Perri=))

GTG.
Peace out=)

Picture Perfect

2011-09-07T21:20:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola,

Smile=)
I have this place in mind, Silvery Moon at Pasir Ris beach.. heard many of a times by peeps who went for a night out date without spending a bomb to impress..
It will be nice to chill out with good companies, I can have my own glass of liqour and just enjoy the sea breeze..

My thoughts are kinda overwhelm with work right now.
And EC.
yes yes you heard me right.
lolx
my sis and bro were "OMG ARE YOU FOR EFFING REAL?"
when I was so focus and nagging my sis to get her lappy charger coz I dont wna lose the game.
(I was in the midst of a battle you see)
I'm looking forward for a weekend getaway.
I will shutdown for that 2 days.
Refresh.
And back to reality.
Its a start of a new financial year.
reports.
reports.
and more reports.
Honestly, i aint sure if im up for it.
but the motivations have been helping by loved ones.
this will also enhance my chances to get me the RM post or I will stay as I am.
Definitely I will fight for it.
ive been complaining about "art of stoning" for the past few months..
this should do me some good.
and Oh,
In mind I'm excited, planning to celebrate my 29th bday in Venice, Italy.
its Gareth gates, Anyone of us music video to be blamed.
lolx
But then again, if I were to make some additional savings and intensive survey.. why not do some backpacking thru out Europe?
22 countries..
one month wont be enaf ehks?
hee
I might just board d plane at the same country for flight in and out.
I will have 15 days of leave next year, so I take another 15 of unpaid leave?
huhu..
I can do it=))

As for life,
I'm taking one day at a time.
No more dreams.
No more expectations.
Just objectives.
To get to my destination.

5yrs down the road.
Objectives that I had before I got engaged.
remains d same as it is now.
1) a house
2) a biz
3) travel
4) kids
5) financial stability

Wheres my destination?
=)
I'm not telling.
But I know I will be there.
I believe=)

Don't Under-estimate, Don't over-analyze

2011-09-06T05:32:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola,

I've shown my tears,
my vurnerable side,
not because I wanted sympathy.
Definetely not because I'm weak.

Just because I know IF i never felt what I'm feeling then,
it simply means I'm saying goodbye.
it means i'm putting a stop.

I'm going in too deep already, I might drown.
drown with my own tears in my own effing make believe world.

Wheres the front ive always been hiding underneath.
I allow Love to control me.
Effing emotions to pull me down.
I should have known better.

At this point of time,
theres no time for looking backwards,
ive heard too many stuffs,
done too many stuffs,

heres a description of me;

Faded images reflected thru a mirror
constant teardrops staining the unfamiliar
Remembering an angel I once used to be
Laughter and joy that was stolen from me
Replacing memories with lust and sins
Searching for peace that lies withins
all hope and faith disappearing out of sight
leaving me stranded from losing this fight
Lost in a potrait lies a young innocent girl
afraid, alone, simply hiding out from this world
staring at the potrait is now she
no longer a girl but a lady
still afraid, still alone,
but no longer hiding from the big bad world
wrath and rage fills her in
but she still believe in love.

Don't make me hate you.

2011-08-28T23:14:00.003+08:00

"For all that you meant to me, don't make me hate you. For I've given my all, don't make me leave you. For all the times you're the reason I stay, don't make you the perfect excuse for me to walk away. Coz if I can say I love you today, I can also say I don't love you like i did yesterday.~Copyrighted Elisha Suriani "

Ola Ola..

OK, I'm seething.

Fine, I am a less than 3 months married woman whos now undergoing a divorce.

Anyone not happy with that can come up to me and confront me. FACE TO FACE

Or shall I hang a sign around my neck that says just that??

I have enough shit doesnt mean that I can stop and stare and let the world stamp on me.

WTH, if needed to be. I just need MONEY!!
And if needed to be, for everyone who have wondered whos this girl.

I'M NO LONGER A GIRL.

AND YES, I LOVE WOMAN!

tsk.

For all that I had believed in from the start,

the faith that I had on.

is breaking me apart.

This will be a difficult period in my life, I need to be organized. I must be mentally, emotionally prepared.

Decisions have been made, only time will confirm everything.

Honestly, I'm numbed.

Try me, u can just stab me with a knife.

I won't feel a thing I swear

But I cant confirm that I will not die..

I wish I can disappear.

I wont need to play pretend that I'm ok whenever im not

I can simply mask the whole of me with the cloak of invisibilty

What are words?What is love? What is hurt?

To be loved, is that a lil bit too much to ask for????

HOW COME IM THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES STUFFs AND DONT FEEL LIKE IM OBLIGING????

BECOZ I TRULY LOVE?

Is that a mistake? a flaw?

I'm a saggitarius.

Ive never been DUMPED.

Just ONCE, n now I want her back.

I allowed myself to be a fool.

Many times.

I died again every time.

for EFFING WHY???

Hurting myself again & again.

if you love, will you do anything to be with the one you love?

How come im hearing down right excuses.

yeah I understand.. implicating.. dignity.. pride..

oh wait.

shes NOT ME.

I dont give a fuck over what people say.

I live my life my way.

I'd do anything.

One short of everything.

I never walks away.

I am always around

Shes weaken so easily.

Dont know what she wants.

what she needs.

What she can give.

scared.

afraid.

when I always hold her hand.

telling her everything is ok.

its never enough?

assurance from my side.

i dont need mine?

can you still see the heart of me?

all my agony fade away when you hold me in your embrace.

dont tear me down for all i need

make my heart a better place

give me something i can believe

youve opened the door dont let it close..

im here at the edge again i wish i can let it go

im at a point where I need to choose to turn around

i tried to love many times but nothing was real, I tried to make it fade away..

but all you did is walk away..

talking about the future how its gonna be beautiful,

understand fully
her wants of space, suffocation, restraint..
but she cant just come n go as she please bringing along my heart wherever she goes.
im dying to be alive.
8 years and still counting..

How can I not love you?

2011-08-24T03:44:00.002+08:00

Ola ola..

Its 15minutes to 4am. I just got back. Finished work at 1am. Had some Me time, with my unfinished Danielle Steel book as my date. My fave songs on full blast and Black pepper Mcgrill Meal as my supper.
Just perfect.
I started to tear when somehow the song I'm listening relates to what I'm reading and ironically to what I feel as a person somehow.

So there I was alone at a corner dazing with tears on my eyes. I never felt so alone.
I've never done regrets. Things have happened. The sours that I've closed will remain closed.
I'm happy with what I've opened so far still I have to admit that I ain't sure which one I wna open next.

I'm stubborn yes I know.
At times I'm angry that I can make decisions on impulse, never regret but yet just one person,
Of whom I keep going back to.
She's the best and yes, I did regret letting her go.
Lesson learnt, I was burnt.
She is the one person I'll do anything for.
Just to see her smile, I will sacrifice my happiness.
It's been years, I guess it will never change.

My priorities never change. It will always be my career, then me then my family.
But I ain't gonna deny she's capable to move herself to 2nd priorty if allowed to.

I'm thankful that i was given a chance to experience marriage life but unfortunately,
It's not my forte. Those who followed my blog knows that I'm not one to pin point.
Things happen and I'll leave it at that. I just wna get over n done with.

As for Love, hurt as always will be an understatement for me especially.
But I still believe.
I still have faith.
Hope of which simply means waiting-.-

SECONDHAND SERENADE LYRICS

Send "Like A Knife" Ringtone to your Cell

"Like A Knife"

I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just"

Dear God..

2011-08-05T21:16:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

"A lonely road crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I loved on purpose, hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Cant help but wish that I was there,
Back where i'd love to be"~Dear God Avenge Sevenfold

Thank you.
=')

I opened a new account in FB due to prying eyes to my personal life and changed the one that I was using to be my Blogshoppe.
I have no ill-intentions..
And my new account is definetely for people whom I consider a friend or part of my family.
Not just random strangers.
Clearly, that also became a problem..
Have things slip thru my mind when I said certain stuff or people is just being sensitive over what I post in FB?
Or do they realise that FB has a limit over how many friends you chose to add in a day..
Plus the fact that I add using the current account list which have over than 1.2k friends, I cant be possibly be adding so much when my new FB is merely 4days old?
Or those who clearly knows me that I cant see afar and needed people to acknowledge me or I will ignore not purposely but bcoz I never saw them..?
I'm not one to give a fuck abt what people say.
Somehow here I am explaining.
Becoz I felt like I'm being defame somehow..
and especially becoz when it implicates the ones I love n care.
Its NOONE's concern on who I choose to love.
Just coz u feel intimidated doesnt mean you have the right to ask.
I only answer to Allah and the closest ones to me..

well, I shall let bygones be bygones..
Good news is, I'm gonna be an Aunty=))
yeah my bro, Min.. is gonna be a daddy.
I'm so happy for him.=)

And suddenly I yearn for my own..
lil nazrein..
will I have one? ='(

Please remember me

2011-08-04T00:30:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

There's a twist in my story.
At this moment, I can only plan about my future.
As a lady.
My expectattions in life.

I have fall many times I guess.
I'm suppose to feel numb but wahey, as ruthless as I get, As cold as I want to be..
I'm still human..
It doesnt matter anymore..
When we die.. we die alone, right?

People get broken many times because of love.
They became jaded to commit.
I Love by far because I need the person to be near.
I thought I am happy.
All I needed is someone who would love me for me.

I changed so much that I forgot the real me..
the one who used to cry for Love..
the one who used to think that Love is clean.
But I never want to be the person I used to be..
My faith & believe for just one person.. & I guess it will forever haunt me.

I've made crazy decisions in life..
But somehow it defines me,
I no longer wna play along with people's charades..
especially with the ones who dont deserve me..

If u think u dont deserve my worst then definitely you dont deserve my best,
I need someone who will be there for me, to push me to my highest command..
Not someone who chose to pull me down just coz you need me around..
I cant afford to risk my freedom, my career, my life for insecurities.
Not after I built it up with my own sweat & tears for the past 3 years.

I will still be around..
I will still cry..
I will still pray that everythings gonna be alright..

I will still love.
even if youre not mine.
its always been like this, no I dont want to be symphatise.
I will smile.
I will put up a fight.

When she's by your side, Please remember me.
I will still be here, you know where to find me.
when it rains, keep this thought that I might be crying somewhere,
when you shiver at night, remember the nights when you hold me close

<3
elisha suriani

Don't tear me down for all I need

2011-08-03T00:11:00.002+08:00

Ola ola..

It's half past midnight, I'm not asleep yet with d fan blowing at my face and charging my iPhone as I'm typing this.
Have you guys ever felt happy yet hurting at the same time?
I've been feeling d same way for the past few years.
Where is my heart?
I'm supposed to be happy?
No?
wheres my fairytale ending? Or I'm the one who stops believing in fairytales.
I stopped believing in dreams.
I don't believe in promises..
I only have faith in one person and ....

Love is just a state of mind I now believe.
While hurt is an understatement.

No matter what, I lived for me.

Who do you think you are?

2011-07-27T00:12:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

Right now I'm still awake at 1215am waiting for my satay huhu ive been eating
Quite alot this few days. Mission is to gain at least 7kg more..
It's fasting month next week huhu how to gain weight?

And wahey! It's Wednesday already:)
Can't wait to see my swts:)

Then tmw I'm meetin Nura , Friday meeting Emmy, rafeeq n Lisa.
Saturday I'll be workin and then Sunday. I've made some plans and I'll stick to it.
Or shall I say decisions.
Gotta move forward.
Whoevers with me is welcome to stay with me thruout
I'll be strong, someone's gotta go.
My heart can only take so much.
Love is just a state of mind.
That shall be my motto in life.
I'm letting go of the past motto which I had hold in to for almost 8years.
"to love is to learn to let go"

Holding on to dreams and wishes ain't gonna bring me anywhere.
My expectations to a better life will.
It will secure me with the stuffs I wanna do.
Traveling, my own pad, my own business
Living my life

People only knows how to say; everything's gonna be alright
Try harder
Give time
And at d same point of time being so judgemental.

I used to be afraid.
The last I cried was a week ago.
And I guess it's a start.
I shall not cry for anyone anymore.

If I could count the tears, it can drown me.

"she pretends, smiling her way thru life
Shes not letting anything to pull her down"

Take me away with you

2011-07-25T21:14:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola,

People can be so nasty when it comes to uttering words. Very mean:/
This week starts with a morning shift.. its only 10pm.. and i need to wake up at 430am later-.- this will last till fri=(
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, will be meeting up sessions before Ramadhan starts next week. Then Sunday will be my swts's birthday..Cannot be shared here although im tempted to huhu
lolx
honestly I need a break..
from everything.
not work though.lolx
cant afford it with the many within-reach expectations, I need to fulfil asap=)
I'm somehow caught in a state of mind where I no longer gives a fuck.
Happiness?
I'll find mine thru self-fulfilments..
U know go abroad, do stuffs which I wna do..
Just learn.
I deserve to smile.
if the people around me dont give a damn, then I'll start not giving a fuck.
My life, my rules, my way.
it doesnt really matter what people choose to say, mulut org kan.

a song i wrote titled; Take me away..

Is it part of the plan, do I play my part?
this heart uve broken more than once
you come n you leave as how you pleased
but how come I'm still standing right beside you

you told me you that you love me
you told me you that you care
you said this is life you dont always get what you want

what have you done,u took my heart
why wont you take me away with you
Just stay close never let me fall
even if you have to use me as you will
pull my strings just for a thrill

*to be continued;D

I'd still love you right..

2011-07-21T00:22:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

Right now I'm multi-tasking..doing my closing shift report..
listening to taylor swift's Back to december on repeat.. and closing the shop as well;)

I'm good I know..
This days i've not been sleeping well.. my body's aching since ages ago..
how I'm feeling?
Numb, broken, jaded.
I'm beginning to start thinking that Love is actually an illusion.
You know my heart's choosing to say that its not true..
I thought I could learn to love.. for all that matters I still go back to where my heart belongs to.
But sadly, where is my heart?

I'm dissappointed I guess.. to hear stuffs which I never thought i'm gonna hear since I left Taz ages ago..
coming from a guy.
my own husband.
It will be harder for me to swallow my pride and act as if nothing happens and pretend that I'm happy..
I'd leave the conclusions at this page.. no more answers no more questions..Let everyone wonders..

hmm.. im looking forward for next week..
whatever pple gonna say... I'd do this for me..
I deserve to smile no?

I belong to myself..
my hearts my only possession which sadly someone has not return me yet..
so ya..
I'm living in borrowed time..
just to see the person happy....

Don't start what you can't stop

2011-07-09T01:55:00.002+08:00

Ola ola..

I had a great day today, went karaokeing.. N henna session huhu
Well, life's like that when you thought that it's going your way, it have to surprise you in your face.
When all I ever did was reminiscing, my greatest fear seems unfounded somehow.
Still, I don't wanna be quick to say.
We are indeed just humans.
I've passed all the details..
I've been thru stuff which I'm very sure i ain't wanna repeat..

No obligations, no expectations from the start. Just so I'll be near.
No paranoia, no questions.. I just want the best for her.
I will fake this smile as long as I need to. (that is if I'm not struck by heart attack first huhu)
Life's short there's no time for regret n hell yeah I'm gonna make sure that I will never
Felt regret the first I did when she left.
I'm not possessive, I have her interest at heart.

Im supposed to meet her later for henna session but we did just now Liao
So means not meeting? :( I'll meet her only on Sunday I guess huhu
Good Mornight world!

back here

2011-07-04T17:41:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

As i'm typing this i'm having my late lunch..
Fishball noodles..yet again..
feeling hungry,
even though I've devoured a waffle before this main entry..lolx

Mr H calls me last night, we chat for a brief 3 minutes..becoz I was asleep.
He wont be able to contact me this week..
my mind's too occupied with work.
I have another ops meeting this wednesday. sianz.
my sales taken a dip this past 2 days, lolx.. i think i must work p.m shift..huhu
Dorothy, my asst left for her leave and wont be back til friday..
then next week.. thurs; off. fri; Al sat; Al sun; Al.
lolx.
got last minute plans lor..
huhu
N harry potter's out next 14th=)

I came far..
it used to be that I'm talking about being broke..
I cant enjoy the simplest thing in life..
this past 2 yrs, ive been drinking.. buying myself branded stuffs..watching movies like a pastime..
I changed.

And I still wna go higher.
and I wna make sure this time I'm gna cover my ground.

oh my back.
its draining me lah. lolx

this weekend, i'm gonna be at a les wedding. I'm so excited=)) funny coz i have to drag myself to a normal wedding..lolx

kk gotta go bye! lolx

Thinking of you

2011-07-03T10:53:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

I've catch Transformers 3 =)
watched it with ince.. Awesome movie.. Had a great time with her..
bitching about..and definetely reminiscing.huhu.
And after that met her bro and wifey..and another friend..
Went to lepak at the beach before she send me home.
Good old times, moments like this is greatly cherished.

I'm having a stiff shoulder.. and its creeping up to my neck huhu >.<
well, as usual..I'm doing A.M shift.. knocking off at 2pm.. now its only 11am..3hrs to go..
here very quiet..
huhu school starts, less people departing leh..

I'm looking forward to a movie of Harry Potter.. If the date permits, me and ince will watch together..lolx.. shes leaving for China..
on the 15th..if im not wrong then on the 16 morning Mr H reached SG.
huhu..I AM NOT A BI OK.
Rightfully I am as straight as a ruler.
But let's just put it this way that, She's the one ever closest to me in this whole wide world.. and knows me more than anyone else will know.
I've got nothing to hide..that she's indeed a special person whom I will always hold dear in my heart.
And yes, Mr H nows that I do go out with her and all.. or that we are contacting. yesyesyes..
Coz I dont wna live in a lie.
been thru that weird and hurting period of which I dont wna go thru again.
and I dont wna be in self-denial as well.. u know to lose her completely.. NAH.. I'M NOT WILLING NOR READY.
She has been a part of me. will always be.
And I thank Allah, for blessing with a husband who trust me.

I've known her for 8years and still counting..
although shes not constantly there by my side.
In my heart, shes always there.
No doubt, not just anyone will understand the way how i'm feeling right now..unless they have followed this blog from the very start.Then they will understood.

"to love is to learn to let go"

Byby, Ilove you.Always.
Nazrein, I love u too swtheart=')

Our 15th Month.

2011-06-28T10:08:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

Today marks our 1yr3mths anniversary..
and our 1st month as husband and wife.

It was disheartening to see him leave for Thailand,Although I'm used to having him only at home during the weekend..Being far away from someone who I always mengadu nasib is crippling me somehow.
Oh yes I do miss him.

But of coz, being the independent me.. I shut myself from being all that.. n now i end up sick becoz i'm missing him lolx
18 more days before he reach SG.

Here also I would like to wish my beloved bro, Min and his wife, Nurul. Selamat Pengantin Baru. I cant wait for their wedding reception.
Honestly, I miss my bro.
He was my sole-advisor..
Now that he's a husband, I pray him well.
I know he will be a good husband and a great father when the time comes.=)

Well, sales has been gd so far.. although today is Tuesday, the crowd have yet to roll in.Tmw, Transformers 3 is out, I might be watching alone on a saturday.
Kay lah this shall be all for the moment.

Byby,
I'm missing you.
Love you.
Always=)

Whatever you like.

2011-06-19T09:17:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

I'm at a time where I wanted to explode but just becoz of where i am right now. I shall think sensibly. and not over-react.
For those who had followed my blog from the start must have known on what type of person that I am. For example, I dont believe in promises.
When I say I will get something, I will say I will try to get it. I will never say I PROMISE I WILL GET FOR YOU.
Same goes for action.. I wont promise to change. But I will say I will try to change.
But of coz people have their own definitions of sentences.
they chose to believe that even when I said this words..its an agreement that I M PROMISING them..

if I'm gonna even touch on the topic.. Will I be fair if I were to ask for the promises they made?
FUCK IT lah.. they will somehow say promises are meant to be broken.. and when I'm here getting mostly all the stuff that they want and d actions that they want to see.. just once when they never get.. they get petty.
THEY BECOME OUTRAGEOUSLY CRUEL WITH WORDS.

Just don't provoke me too much..
if you did, U might just see the devil in me.
Diam tak bermaknanya takut atau kalah.
I am protecting relationships.
Thats the reason for my silence..
I might cry before..
but now, you might be threading on danger waters.

Dont preach on me on rights.
Dont talk as if you know everything.
Dont act like you are never wrong.
Dont go pin-pointing blames on me.
Fact is..
you r just being sore.
Stupid.
hmprh.
You will never learn until I show my true colours.

Wa teng ni hue lai

2011-06-13T04:23:00.001+08:00

Ola ola,

i cant sleep.its 4am and my head's been throbbing madly since 10pm..sigh.
Ive started eating like 4times daily including supper. That minus the desserts. I need to gain back the 10kg that i've lost. Well Mr H of course wanted me to gain much more.
But puhlease ehk.. I wna be a sexy mummy..
Not a seksa mama..huhu;D

im sleeping with both hug me and kiss me tonight yet again. and in 2wks time..i will be sleeping with them for a month=(..Mr H would be leavin for Thailand..=( he will only be back in july. Just in time for my younger bro min's wedding.
Next week 25th will be his n nurul solemnisation. As it is, this yr my parents gt 2 menantus..

Honestly..
I'm still at a state of mind of denial..lolx.. I still cnt believe that im married. How i used to fret abt waking up early n needing to layan suami..let alone laundry n kemas umah..
It cmes to me naturally now..no more "alah awk buat lah..saya penat/malas ah"
lolx..
Roles of a wife ehk;p

a friend asked me; hows married life?
I said..; well, pple say ni kn time honeymoon period so everythings swt sugar n nice..ask me again 6 mths tym k;D

i'm 28 this year..n after a whilrwind of life in the L world..then got married.. I understand that many parties was shocked to know.. Its too sudden they say. It was for me too.. But seriously, he loved me. More than i could ask for..i was down n out before. He came during my darkest period. He took my worst months before i reciprocated n decided to gave him my best. And that is to be his wife.

Byby,
i doubt u read my blog..as it is,
u mean d whole world to me. And for all that i m to u, i wont let myself betray you. And for all that i have to give, is me, yours truly.
I love u. Always.

I want chilli crab

2011-06-10T22:30:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

yay!
byby is buying me chilli crab later tonight for supper huhu
i cant wait..
n im missing him so much too..
I wonder how its gna be like with him over at thailand starting 24 June.=(
He will only be back by 16 July. Sigh.
lolx. But of coz a part of me is singing "hiphip hurray"
while the other side of me is worrying. haha.
Well, whats new right.
2 sides of me which not many people notice.
Siti Suriani & Elisha Suriani

of which, I will stop about that there n then. coz I dont need people to know the real me except for close friends and immediate family members.

Right now, Mr H and me have many plans.. of which it will go this way
1) Secure BTO house
2) Baby
3) Promotion (me) Sign-on (him)
4) Car
5) Open up own stall
6) Pursue studies (fitness for him) (psychology for me)
All this within our 3yrs plan til of coz d 3rd year, our BTO house should be ready right.then of coz it will be a whole new planning..maybe a 2nd child.=)

haha..
I dont wanna expect for pregnancy seh coz I hate dissapointments..
but I just cant help it lah huhu
i give myself till end yr.if still cnt, I will do something about it.huhu.

Well,
I know some people kinda look up to me..some loathe me..
I wont deny that im only human.
I'm only blessed to read people. to be able to relate to their problems and sorrow.
& just maybe.. I dont want them to feel so alone.
like I did.
during my darkest periods when I have noone to turn to.
My nights was filled with uncountable tears.
When all I could feel was unappreciate, paranoia, hatred and low-self esteem.
I am no longer all that now.
I'm blissfully happy and contented with life.
I thank Allah for all that he have shown me and the chances he gave when I was down.
I now know that.. to succeed and to be loved is to learn to let go.
let go of all the negative thought.
Be positive in life.
Art of affirming.
The world will go along with you if you live life positively. insya-allah. amin=))

1am please be fast=)

Byby,
Thank you.
I love you much sayang.=)

My everything

2011-06-03T23:40:00.001+08:00

Ola ola,

alhamdulillah.. Im a wife now=)

it was a pleasant event.. From the berinai to the sanding. It was truly a beautiful magical moment..

Phuket khao lak was nice too..although its the wrong time of season to come to. Most shops are closed and it was raining most of the time. 95% of the time in fact..huhu but the place is just perfect.will go down there again when time permits. Ramada khao lak.. Simply beautiful=)

anyway theres a change of terms.. Mr fh shall now be called Mr H.=)

honestly what i went thru right now is something which i didnt even imagine before..therefore its unexplainable. I prayed that this would be our lifetime dedication. Our longtime commitment and definetely i hope that i will be his greatest compliment.

I yearn for our own child and I hope we will be bless with one soon. Ya allah. Please make our dream comes true.

Byby, i love u.

2805 happy anni & selamat pengantin baru

2011-05-27T23:36:00.001+08:00

Ola ola,

the time is finally here. 14.5hrs more to be exact.

The past 2days has been crazy. Gubahan came in, berkat came in, we did our inai, me potong andam.as im typing this, the mph is being decorated. The food is being cooked.
I need to be awake at 9am. Need to collect the bunga rampai. Sireh dara n bunga rampai also to be in tmw.
Mak andam will be in by 11am.huhu. Im sooooooo tired haha..

Well, my younger siblings except for min is here.min will be joining in tmw i think. We r waiting for MJ12 to pass time.

As it is, today also marks Mr Fh n me 1yr2mths anniversary. =)

thank you to friends who have wished us.hope to see you all=)

byby,
i love u.

3 days to 2805

2011-05-24T03:39:00.001+08:00

Ola ola,

yes, i am excited but i wasnt panicking until today. Why? Suddenly my 2siblings was wondering what to wear.. My youngest bro brought Mr Fh along to buy his clothes..huhu
semangat? Lolx
safian was saying that he felt like hes d one whos getting married..haha (well, hes vital for my solemnisation coz hes one of my witness)

other than that, why am i panicking is becoz.. Today so suddenly, one by one our wedding services provider starts to call and sms/email to dbl confirm with the venue and timin.huhu

my ex asst manager so sweet. Ralph bro called to check on me..=) his group will be performing on our wedding called EMERGED, one of the best B-boys/girls grp in SG. I'm honoured and proud to have them. Cant wait to see his wifey n lil princess too=) ralph is one of the key people in my life since I join MFM and of coz a friend who have given me lotsa advices, be it personal or even work.therefore I'm very thankful of him and his family and group of friends who never made me feel like a stranger amongst them.

Long tribute there hehheh well, today is tuesday, waffle day. I will have to endure another day before i start my 11day leave. Tmw (wed) i will settle my room rental, the table/chairs n toilet have been delivered. Next will be waiting for the khemah and wiring. By thursday, gubahan and berkat will come in. Fri will be my potong andam and my berinai.
Everything will be updated thru FB, so do check it out. Those who wna see will have to be under my friendlist.if nt pls kindly add me as a friend;D k lah its time to shlp now, good night world!

Pssttt; thanx to all in fb who have constantly "liked" my statuses. Really appreciate it=')

last but nt least,
Mr Fh..
Soon you will be my hubby.
Just so you know, i love you and thank you for everything=')

6 days to 2805

2011-05-21T02:48:00.001+08:00

Ola Ola..

My minds a mess now. As much as i'm looking forward to be a wife, i am afraid.
Afraid that i might crumble.

I've always been strong, in the front..but theres been too many of a times when i cried in front of my parents. People wanted to be understood but they refuse to understand.

My heart can only take so much. I pray that god will return the strength and the person i used to be.
No jealousy, no paranoia.
Maybe then, i will be spared from heartache.

I'm also letting go of expectations. I shall lead my life the way it has always been, of coz some things i haf to cmpromise..i still have to take care of his name as a wife.

I chose this path to get married becoz he showed me that he cld be the husband to lead me and d fact that he loved me.

I pray that this institution of love that we gonna built will last till our dying breathe. Insya-allah. Amin.

Thank you to this hamba allah who took time to listen to me. Really appreciate it=)

6 more days to go..
OFF for the weekends. 3 days of work..then my on leave shall start=)

byby,
i love u.

10 days to go to 2805

2011-05-17T06:31:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

Good morning world=))
After 3 days off , today I'm back at work.Yes, Morning shift..
Mr Fh is back at Jurong Island for his POI.
and ooh.. we have recieved our Pre-Marriage course certificates=))

It was an interesting course of which.. at home I broke down.
My dad was the one who comforted me.
asking me to be patience.
He asked me to face all my fears..and to take care of myself when I get married.

As much as I told everyone and myself that I'm ready for marriage.
The fact that once I've taken my vows, I wont be able to retract it. And I would have to fight with all I have to protect this sacred ties that bind me and Mr Fh.
aint that scary?
we ladies tend to think more than the problem itself.
we analyse things faster than a guy could ever do.
Honestly, I'm very afraid=(
to face the unknown.

Maybe I'm worrying too much.
But how could I not?
this would be my life.

as a wife.

Ya Allah, Tabahkan lah hati hamba mu ini.

just 10 more days.
huhu.
after this weekend...it will just be days....

byby,
I love you much.

15 days to go..

2011-05-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

I think im gonna have a heart attack.
like seriously.
lolx.
kk, I'm exagerating much.
its 2 weeks 1 day more leh. How not to be nervous and excited yet at the same time?
this weekend we have our marriage course, then on Monday we gonna view our rented room.
Not that we could start staying in it.
Mama says she will hold the keys=(
hah!
then on monday itself I will go search for our room stuff=)
as in new bed and wardrobes..=D
that is if its within my budget. if not, no bilik pengantin ah. hahaha
hotel also can mah? hahahahaha
huhu
as for work, nothing much to update since Dorothy came in. She's a super efficient assistant. minimum supervision needed. Although shes still learning, She's a quick learner therefore I need not worry much when I'm gone for my leave.
as for home,
of coz for now, not seen any storms yet.
I think it will once I start counting down from 5 days.lolx
Maybe then I will see my parents freaking out.
Hey.. who knows Im d one who will freak out. lolx
then I will get the heart attack. ho ho ho.

well, as it is.. I will update again when its 10days, 5 days, 1 day
on the nikah time,
sanding time, and before I went for my honeymoon.
huhu this will be a hectic journey all crammed into one. Allah bless us!

as for my byby,
I love u.
always=')

17 days to 2805

2011-05-10T00:04:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

My god-son, Art, called me a few days back asking me when exactly am I going to fetch him to my place. I told him I will be picking him up on the 26 May 2011.
He's turning 10 this coming 19 May. A big boy now. 5 yrs I took cre of him since he was 2yrs old.My little prince. Always will be.
Same goes for my lil princess quraisyah. She's turning 6 this 2nd August.
Both has grown bigger.. and them still remembering me and fondly calling me mummy still, is the best thing I could ever ask for.

Its gonna be another 17 days before I legally wed. This coming sat & sun, we'll be going for our pre-marriage course.On the 16may, to view our rented room. everythings going so quickly now, my heads starting to spin huhu.
I cant wait for our honeymoon, I wanna rebond my hair.
I wna start saving back again(lolx).

right now, its half past 12. Im alone at wrk. doing closing.
later on wrking at 5pm as well. doing closing shift till friday. then sat sun n mon off day=)) then again the following week, sat and sunday i will take my off n ph..

k lah for now this wil be all, I will be updating once again in the coming days.
Till then, Take care and may god bless.=)

Byby,
I Love you.
Always=')

This is me. Plus you. 2805

2011-05-01T08:48:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

Time is running out.
my single days are coming to an end very soon.. well, 26 days more in fact.
Not that I'm gonna miss it.. but it will be a major transition in my life as I walk down the aisle. kk in malay tradition we dont literally walk, but we sit down obediently for everything to be over. lolx=D

Some Malay customary of coz we can make do without but like of coz with the older generation, somethings to be done to appease them. Well, not exactly all. But some.
huhu.
They have this mindset which have yet to change which is "her daughter can have so why my daughter cant?"
honestly, as if you noticed which I dont think u did, is that im actually typing nonsensical. lolx
I'm in pre-wedding jittery mode.
I'm really waiting for the malam berinai to come..and thats when I will have a peace of mind.haha
coz i my head is to get over n done with.
then I can focus on my career and making babies.HA HA HA

I'm excited. Scared. Nervous. Stress. all lah.
i dont even know exactly what im feeling.
excited coz i will be a princess huhu
scared if something bad to happen
nervous coz this is my first time duh
stress so many things to update hohoho

well,
after wedding, honeymoon..then back to work.
We have our rented room by the 16may.
then slowly save up for stuffs. BACK AGAIN. after spending MUCH for the wedding lolx.
=) and yeah, Im doing opening in case ure wondering=D

A message to Mr Fh,
I love u byby. always.
Till jannah.
Insya-Allah.
Amin.
2805
hoot hoot!
=D

37 days to go

2011-04-20T06:36:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

Alhamdulillah.. we are done with our ROMM registration.
Insya-allah next up next month, we'll be going for our marriage preparation course.
Next week, I will book our honeymoon flight tix as well.
Its kinda last minit right but well, this couldnt be more then well planned lolx.
its hard coz of Mr Fh's 21st bdae.. and I just dont feel right not celebrating.
We went to USS. & IT WAS SPLENDID!
I will do it again in the near future once everything stables up.
I wna bring my parents but of coz the tix price more than so can save up for an overseas trip lolx

aniwaes,
as we are getting married in May and we are awaiting for a BTO house. of which ours will only be ready by 2014 -.-
we will be renting a place direct from HDB.
As it is, it will only be a room.
Our combined ceiling income is too high to rent a flat meant for the needy but too low to buy a resale flat lolx..

Since the ROMM interview yesterday, im like restless somehow.
Seriously I dont even know how to describe what exactly im feeling right now.
All I wna do is like shout out loud that im gna be a wife.huhu

this year has been good so far..
I pray that after marriage to be blez with a child soon after will be the icing on the cake.
I prayed as well that I will handle well the role of a career wife.
is that term even correct? lolx..

This will be the next huge step for me..
to those who have followed my blog from the very start..should know that Ive come so far..
from being a fickle minded girl..
to a now strong lady.
thanx to my past experience.

And may i add.
Mr Fh, my source of inspiration.
my siblings, my pillars of strength.
and my parenz..
and definetely friends who have stayed.
My exceptions.
I love you all.

Byby,
I love u cyg.
Thank you for this chance..
for choosing me out of all girls to be your wife.
I love you.
Till jannah.
Insya-allah.

Ya Allah,
Berkati lah kami, Bimbingi lah kami.
Jauhi lah kami, hamba mu ini..
dari sebarang kekusutan menjelang hari pernikahan kita.
Jauhi kami dari fitnah, dusta, sengketa dan aiban orang.
Amin. Ya rabbal al-amin.

Changes

2011-04-03T21:17:00.005+08:00

Ola Ola..

Changes is something that we cant avoid.
I know whats the word..but I just cant spell it out lolx..
I never exactly says what is bothering in my mind in FB coz.. if I did.. It will be a long sad story right?
lolx
well.. in relationships..
theres bound to be changes.
be it good or bad..
lil changes is the kind where happens in a short time, while the big ones after a long while..
as it is..
put this as an instance.
Routine.
when u did everything in a routine..
we or our partner tends to expect it from us/them even after a long long time..
and just one day of not doing what we used to do.. equals to a question being asked..
assumptions came by..
doubts fill in..
then fight/quarrel/arguments..
yeah i can go on & on..

so hoq can we resolve all this u say?
I know i know..
STOP EXPECTING
yeah thats right just stop thinking that he/she will do it everyday or everytime..
just coz she/he do it back then.. it wont mean she/he will continue doing it now or even the future..
yeah sure its nice.. to feel all good..
but when He/she stops doing it..
it wont be good.
at all.
all you wanna ask is..
y u change?

n trust me..
there will be reasons..
oh wait no..not reasons..
excuses..
plenty of it..
so ya.
you dont wna go into that?
STOP EXPECTING.

if you noticed.. im kinda mad.
but mad is an understatement.
waking up to vulgarities in the mid of afternoon is not cool..especially when its utterd to kids aged 7, 5 & 2.
I dont know what the hell is the mother thinking..
oh gosh..is she really her mother??
honestly im like traumatised.
Ive never heard a single vulgarities uttered by my parenz when growing up.
My sis n bro..was obviously shocked as well.
its happening daily.
i think one more tie n i might just tell her off.

haiz..this should be all..
Mr Fh,
I love you.
53 days to go..

Its APRIL!!!=D

2011-04-01T07:30:00.003+08:00

Ola Ola..

Its April already..
=) My final counting starts now..
ooh..haha
Mr FH came back last night.. Bought his bdae present.
A Psp Slim which cost me nearly $400-.-
I will be buying my sis SNSD cd for her bdae..
Ive yet to make payment for the berkat coz I cant get thru the Maybank account so Im now waiting for the lady to provide another account.
Ive yet to get Mr FH watch.
Ordered online though.
Dont know whether will get in time..

You know its wrong to feel suspicious..
its not good..
coz it will bring upon assumptions..
and then lead to fitnah..
But In my mond theres so many questions..
I just cant stop thinking abt what ifs..=((
I believed he Love me..
Just that Im just filling myself up with doubts.
haiz.
what if its true?
See what I mean!
=(

He just texted me..
apologising
N i told him, its like stupid me jealousing..can go crazy..
Then he say Im already crazy!
huhu=((
but of coz lah he say jokingly..
I sincerely love him I really do.

kk I gtg..
Although im bored..
Finally 56 more days to go

byby I love you.

*ps; Mr Fh will only be booking in next weds=))

Till Jannah

2011-03-30T06:11:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

I was already asleep when I was awoken rudely by an sms.. supposingly meant for another person sent to me.
Its rude.. coz it was from Mr Fh.
Meant for another girl.
Before you guys jump to any conclusion.
The message was to clear up his name and d fact that he loved me.
Shocked because all this while my instincts was correct and that the answers he had given me before was just lies.
True maybe he dont want me to worry or have bad thoughts about him..
but have he ever gave a thought on how I will feel when I found out?
I was crying to sleep for all that matters.
He's gonna be my husband and suddenly it got me questioning.. whether if he hide more stuff than i ever know?
honestly im jaded..
I dnt have d strength to go thru all this again.
I love him sure I do.
as I had been honest to him all this while.. I just dont understand why he cant.
Its already half past 6am..Ive yet to hear a single word from him.
Normally during this time, I would have recieve a good morning message from him..
Of course coming from Mr Fh, his fault..he apologise.. and somehow d tables turned and I got blamed..
" bruised and battered by your words, days are shattered how it hurts.. havent i had always love you?"

I feel like crying all over again..
Im trying to be strong for both of us.
I still believe..
if hes meant for me.. he would be mine despite d odds..
as the wedding date gets nearer..
if he chose to walk away..let it be now.
I would be wounded.
that is a definete..
but he will be the last guy I will love.
I have no courage to go thru shits all over especially when Ive given my everything..
my all..
when we made a pact both of us..
to be engaged..
as a foundation for our life together..
I accepted the fact that..
we will go thru much..
Ya allah, Jauhi lah kami dari fitnah, dengki dan buatan orang. Bimbingi lah kami ke arah mu.. Berkati lah hubungan kami hingga ke walimatul urus.
Sesungguh nya itu yg Kau mahu buat semua umat2 mu.
Amin.

A note to my fiance.
byby,
from this day onwards,
I hope that you wont hide any single things from me.
U had promised.
I will forgive u this time,
because I still believe in u.
believe in us.
I love u.
truly.

Till Jannah. (Hingga ke syurga)

My Everything

2011-03-24T08:08:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

7 more days to our 1st yr anniversary.
Byby,
to you this r/ship might be the same like the last few ones you had.
Being in a long term r/ship for u is a normality.
Unfortunately for me, its not.
The only longest r/ship I had with a guy is the one before you and that is Illyas.
How it shook me when he decided to leave, Only god knows how I felt then.
I was sceptical when you came into my life, when a guy my age is already afraid of a commitment. Let alone a guy who barely knows the world yet.
Yes I was that sceptical.
Althoug Im being thankful for the love, care and concern you gave me..i know one thing for sure that i will remain wise and not let myself be swallowed by my emotional self.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
that I promise you.
you were everything that I could wish for in a guy, n please believe me when I say that at times i feel guilty for pushing u away.
I never meant to hurt you.
Sometimes im in a so defensive mode that nothing cn cme to me.
I acted like Im strong.
I refuse to let you see that u mean the world to me.
I refuse to let u see that u r my waekness
that you r my only reason.
I'm wearing this ring on my 4th finger with a pact made between the two of us. that we will go thru everything together.
And now, I will be your wife soon.
65 more days to be exact.
Both of us have been waiting for that day.
I'm waiting to be bless with a child.
our child.
and then both of you, will be my world. My Everything.
Again byby, I love you.
If you're asking do I love you this much?
I do.
Missing you dearly.

<3<3<3

You are mine. For all time.

2011-03-21T00:53:00.002+08:00

ola ola

I think this 2 months will be the most of entries coming in from me.
As much as im excited of the upcoming wedding event.
I just wanna say that I am already a confirmed Assistant Manager.
=))
as it is.. since we are getting closer to end of march. I'm looking forward to me N Mr FH 1st yr anniversary. Well, we aint gna be celebrating bcoz of the fact that he might be in camp. although Im off on that day. Just in case lolx=))

then of coz.. my younger sis 18th bdae and then it would be Mr FH's 21st bdae=))
since that day will be our romm date as well, I wanna make it extra special by having a romantic dinner just the two of us..
I have 4 choices;
1) Kudeta (MBS)
2) Il-lido (Sentosa)
3) Equinox ( Swissotel)
4) Jewel Box Sky Dining ( Mountfaber)

I wna see him dress up, u know as in smart casual=))
it will be nice right=))

Well, I gtg.. actually its my night shift and Im done with the closing. Now going to wait for transport.
Mr Fh, I love u.
I cant wait to be your legal wife=))

you..

2011-03-17T09:48:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

im sick this few days..been vomiting since I came in for wrk this morning at 530am..
my eyes are shutting up by itself.
Mr FH will be booking out tmw noon..and tomorrow will start our countdown to his bdae=))coz tats when we gna register for our marriage=)

N of coz this month..our 1st year anniversary.
We have come this far/

byby love u.

Happy 30th Wedding Anniversary to Mama & Baba

2011-03-12T07:56:00.003+08:00

ola ola..

good morning people..its me mama n baba 30th wedding anniversary today..
If my mama wouldnt have that miscarriage I would have an elder bro/sis this age now.
But wahey,
Im glad im the eldest..lolx
although I went thru lotsa..as a eldest daughter..
things are getting better now..and this month will also marks me a year of being straight..
its quite an achievement coz when I was with my ex..I was still contacting and in love with pinky prince.
But with Nordin..
I refuse to let anything go wrong.
I'm being faithful to him coz I know he is to me.

and with me updating this blog early in the morning..
cme on make a guess..
yeah..Im working am shift.. Til TUES! gosh..
my life cant get any better..haisshh
lolx
I'm still not confirmed as a manager..but I dont care anymore..
coz MY PAY IS RAISED
hahas..I'm earning a ARM pay with a supervisor post..good or not?
hahahaha

kk..updating a lil bit on the wedding side..
just need to get his watch..
our sejadah, his al-quran and my telekung..
his basket of chocs..
get d deposit for the wedding favours..
and we are ready to go=))

and oh our bridal shoes..
and now we are submitting application for a HLE from HDB.. after we recieved that.. we can go forward and apply for a house=))
so now..
countdown to 16 Days to our 1yr Anniversary..
38 days to his 21st bdae..
=))

kk gtg..
byby love u much.

Classic Finest Quality

2011-03-08T07:36:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

just random only the title..lolx
yesterday Mr FH and me went lunching at Bedok Segar restaurant.. then we head to tamp..
wanted to catch a movie but end up didnt coz we cant decide on one..lolx

this 2 days has been doing am shift..
just my luck today that it ws raining heavily. or should I say that it is still raining and its barely 8am..and I was dragging my whole self to be out of the door by 5am..-.-

you know right now its already March.. 2nd week of mark..
everything is turning out gd..
I hope that it will remain the same or if better ..
then its been a blessing in a disguise..

the heart paing, the head banging period insya-allah will be over soon..
this month 28 marks our 1st yr anniversary.
I never thought that I could last long with a guy..
especially now that we are getting married.

WTH I never even though that I will get married.
I used to see marriage like a piece of contract of which needed to be signed by both unsuspecting parties..
of which plans can be renewed, upgraded or even terminated..
lolx
but of coz now that i am d one whos getting married even though that the experience has been a very hard one for both of us.
I appreciate the fact that he's still beside me..
its an irony when both of us try to work things out by compromising..and not bicker even if its a big deal to us.
But I guess..
Us meant alot to each other..
He will be my husband and Im gonna be his wife
soon
insya-allah..

aniwaes today is waffle day but well.. the only sale ive made is..
one mocha..
ggagaga

and oh Justin Bieber will be in town next mth..
I wna go to his concert but well..
like alwaes..
sold out..
I just dont believe it..
when most sg-reans hated justin..how the hell could his tix be sold out in a flash?
*wonder*

ooh baby baby..
im sleepy -.- hehs
I love justin bieber..
I mean..
not that way..
I sound paedophile
but haha wtheck right..
me being with Mr FH already shows that Im like a cow whos looking for young grass..
young grass makes you strong right?
hahahhahahahhahahahah;D

kay lah I gtg..
i wna stone..hahahahahhaha

Gd morning world=)

n oh byby..
I love you always.
*muah*
=D

If only I could run away..

2011-02-27T09:02:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

its only 9am..
I am doing yet another opening shift and it will be 2 more days of opening before my night shifts started.
I only saw Mr FH last friday for a while for a couple of hours..
Catch a movie (I am no. 4 AWESOME MOVIE) at cineleisure orchard and ate at pastamania..
also got him the fred perry's wallet..
well, i paid half for it lolx
and it will be next weekend till I see him again.
Next weekend both sat and sunday me off.. Sun, my friend sheila is havin a cukur rambut ceremony for her newborn child..
and of coz..another friend of mine.. dilah.. getting married as well.
and oh, did i mentioned before that her fiance coincidently is my fiance's cousin?

haiz..it will be few hours before kah leong comes in for work..im like stoning..
my younger bro min, kept smsing mr fh.
I dnt knw which part of english they dont understand that my pay is delayed.-.-
and of which I wont be paying my bro the 1k just yet.
coz if I do pay him that amt.
my own wedding will be distrupted for sure.

Ive been compromising many things for the wedding..
just so that I will be able to get thru.
I dont even think I want a coach bag anymore=((

its like for now noone understands d situation that Im in.
As much as im trying to please everyone.
I just hope that they are aware that their expectations is killing me softly.=((
haiz..

for now I think I will just hope and pray that everything will go as smoothly=((

Watching the world goes by..

2011-02-18T13:00:00.002+08:00

ola ola..
im effing sleepy..lolx
Mr FH.. was busy with fb-ing last night.. and was hungry..so i was up til like 2 plus-.- and I was.. i mean, as i m working now.. morning shift..
nearly screamed at the cab driver.. =.="
just another hour to go.. m going to deposit d cash for yesterday sales.. and then..gna buy stuff to cook for Mr FH.. haiz..
leceh tau..
pandai mengorder skrg..
lolx
3 more mths..
d days are passing oh so quickly..
im so excited but at d same time stress..
guess what..
I just realised that one side of my hair..near d ear.. got no hair..its like bald siah -.- hahas..
im sleepy like seriously..haiz..=((
k lah i think i'll end d blogging here..

byby, Love u.

ps: baba was saying that for now he has 2 wishes..
1) me getting married
2) He will be blessed with a grand daughter
=D

Its Waffle day..

2011-02-15T09:00:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

yeah waffle day today..its barely 9 plus.. And im perspiring like hell..
changi airport either its air-condition not working or my kiosk suay2 in front of the morning sun..
Im working til 2pm..yay..
Mr FH has started living at my place since last week..
so far so good..Sun night since it was our 8mthsary engagement and of coz valentine.. we went to pankeng.. check out at abt 1230 then we head to vivo..
i have a brief management meeting at abt 3pm..
it was fun and i was laughing like hell.. he too..well hes laughing at me..
he was poking me thru out and d fact that I melatah makes everything funny to him -.-
then at 8plus he packed to book in camp..
tonight he will be out again coz tomorrow and thurs we both will b on leave..tmw we gna go choose our bridal outfits yay=)) mama is following..
and oh I have to share this..
I was wanting to eat chilli crab..
and Mr FH was suggesting if he can get me a chilli crab cup noodles instead!!
I was like WHAT!!!
-.-
lolx
eesshh d sales is like 2 bucks only siah..
lolx
maybe later will be good hahas
well it have to be..
today is tuesday remember lolx
n mama bought the chilli crab last nite..I was asleep then woke up and eat.. and my sis upon seeing me helping myself to more crabs.. she was asking" do you intend to eat all up?"
and I was like ..if i could I would lolx..
I cant lor coz mama said please put everything inside d fridge once ure done..
I cant put in an empty container in right..lolx

im happy..
blissfully happy.
i just cant til we are legally together..
and thats in 3 mths time..yay=))

byby I love u.
Much.

Truth hurts.

2011-02-09T08:30:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

We not registering our marriage next week. We are doing it when he officially turns 21.
Yesterday I was happily posting in my blog.. after that a series of stuff happened.
It makes me wonder somehow, why must it happen now?
What exactly goes wrong?
My mom and dad got to talk to his parenz.
As his parenz is divorce, and he being below 21. He will need parental consent.
the main thing is both didn't want to move forward.
Both said they are busy.
WHAT can I say.
My parenz was MAD.
its like they never wanted this marriage to happen.
His mama said she wants us to postpone our wedding for another year.
But of coz our side has done our preparation..
the main question my parenz wanted to know was if Mr FH will still wna marry me even though his family will reject?
Mr FH is in stress mode.. he keep questioning me, where he's gna put his face and how will he be able to answer my family?All I can do is cry like a child..
He told me he wna move out from amk..
and my parenz offered to put him up at our plc. He said ok.
Ya allah, What exactly is gonna happen.
Honestly,I'm too scared and too tired to expect whats gna happen next='((

its only 20 min to 9am and im at work, my staff would only be coming in at 12.. and Im like sleepy.. I woke up suddenly at 240am finding food.. went down to buy food with my younger sister..after eatig and all it was already nearing 4..
got some eye-shuts and out of the house by 505am..
hate morning shifts=(
I dont like mid shifts too=((
but well I guess thats one of the obligations of wrking in fnb line kn..
I wna eat..ive nt taken bfaz..but Wang's has been with queues since 6am..
I wna eat fishball noodle..
haiz ive been eating that mostly everyday since day 1 lolx
im still wit red light alert zone..
so im more sensitif then ever..lolx

k lah k lah..
i think for now this should be all..
-.-
0.O
U
haiz..

byby I love u still.
Always.
I miss you.

I followed my heart, right from the start.

2011-02-08T10:07:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

its been a terrible 2 mths.. the starting of year being no good to me. I cried too many of a times to recall exactly why.
n then BAM it came into me, that Im becoming the next typical girl.
Getting too clingy and paranoid over lil things.. and I guess thats the very reason why of the many unspoken fights.
Well Mr FH.. (he's been upgraded from Mr Fiance, lolx)and if youre wondering whats FH, It simply means Future Hubby=))
Todays the 8th.. and next week, we'll be going down to register our marriage date=)

aniwaes as im typin this im at work, its only 10 plus and even though its a waffle day today, ive yet to see a crowd.. *bummer*..
well, how busy can we get wont pull me down..
its not even near strenous to the type of place i used to worked at.
honestly right now,i just wna get done with alot of things.
Especially my wedding.
Then I need to settle my house.
Then after that I intend to open up a stall.
insya-allah.

kk i gotta go.write again later ya=))
byby I miss u.

Ps: mama 54th bdae last sunday.
God bless her=)

stay the same..

2011-01-30T11:45:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

this few days has been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me.

everything seems wrong.. but then again.. is it something is wrong somehow somewhere and ive yet to find any solutions.

Mr fiance is a nice guy ultimately.

but I realised now that his ego is taking the better of him.

countless times I have to say sorry over lil things.

sometimes we as girls, we need assurance somehow..

that her loved ones will be there for her when shes down.

coz right now,

im at the most vurnerable stage of my life.

I feel like breaking down again n again..

for the first time ever..

he said..

"if u msg me that way again.. u can forget about us."

right then right now, I know Ive lost him.

somehow.

he's not gna fight for this relationship.

hes not gna fight for me.

paranoia.

theres a devil and angel in me.. versing each other.

one thinks the good stuff and the other is poisoning my mind with the negative potions..

bagaimana akhir cerita ku ini.?

akanku langkah ke arah yg diimpikan..atau kan ku jatuh sekali lagi?

i swear.. he would be the last guy.

i swear with my life.

ive been crying this few days.. and d only comfort i can turn to is work.

but now wrk itself is becoming something which Im dreading.

if he dnt want me anymore.

jus tell me straight to my face kan?

but how will i be able to face the world again?

im engaged..

not merely having the status of boyfriend/girlfriend..

im stress with work.

family.

Mr Fiance.

I wish I can just run away.

if this earth could just swallow me up in whole.

maybe my unexistence wont even bother anyone.=((

byby I love u.
i miss u=(

Kerana terpaksa

2011-01-25T00:35:00.003+08:00

ola ola..

later on today mama n baba will be headin to harbour front for a romantic dinner as an advance bdae present from me n Mr Fiance.

3more days would be me n mr fiance's ten mth-sary=)
everyone around me was asking if I'm rushing to this marriage.
honestly,
I'm blessed..
to have someone to love me.
as much as I have to admit that m openly gay.
I m straight.. to Mr fiance..

im no longer in my discovering years..
I knw exactly what i want n need..

there will be an event at Mad monks this thursday=)
I might be gng..

I wna go slp liao..
n oh ..
theres 2 guys who liked me..
I told Mr Fiance..
k lah bye
hehs=))

Love u byby.

are u ready to be mine, just mine?

2011-01-19T02:58:00.002+08:00

ola ola,

my younger bro texted me askin me to return his cash and me to tell my mom to stop calling him.
how can i tell mama that? she will be very dissapointed.
and with this, I might have to postpone my wedding..
the expenses is going upwards..
and if im gna return my bro's cash.. it will distrupt everything..

we might have to push everything to sept or oct..
Mr fiance will b meeting me later..so we gna discuss abt this..

as much as I dnt wna postpone anything we have to somehow..
I dnt want tis to become another issue..
haishh

its been 12 days since I last saw Mr fiance.. I cnt wait to see him=))

byby I miss u.
love u.

Give it to me right

2011-01-16T08:02:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

strez..nervous..3 more things ive yet to settle..
renting of venue..
booking of bridal outfits..
deposit of wedding favours..

then I have to get byby's watch, and shirt..
and my coach handbag, coach cosmetic bag and estee lauder cosmetics another 2 more payments to go..

his rayban sunglasses, and clinique skincare Ive already bought it..n also my chloe perfume..

and oh our wedding invitation card has reach my hands safely and its lovely=)

byby will only be booking out on thursday.. I will be meeting him then=)

Im missing him.

byby love u.

Remembering Sunday

2011-01-02T01:30:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

after a very 10 long years when Ive given up hope seemingly, there he is..
haroon norman berge.
he's happily married with a gorgeous lil boy and future may baby..
& I cant help relating back all the memories..
he was my first love.
My knight in shining armor=)

that was then..=)
he showed me many things Ive never thought that I could do.

I'm very happy for him & family..
and thankful, that he replied to my email.
you know I never want any apologies or explanations from him although we went our own ways very abrubtly..things do happen for reasons..

=) at last, d very least he can offer me is the friendship that we had shared from the very start.

anywaes im like at the airport.. its gna be 2am liao..im wrking at 6am and noone will be coming in til 5pm. gosh=(
im so freakin tired and sleepy.I cant wait to meet mr fiance later tonight.
as it is, my wedding invitation card has been printed and would be ready in like 8 days.. they will call once the cards has been couried out..
I just need to settle the gubahan thingy, mak andam, berkat and Im gd to go.
mama will settle the renting of mph.

I gtg.
byby love u very much.

happy 2011!!

2011-01-01T11:14:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

Im stoning as im typing this.. one of my staff wont be coming to work coz he overshot.. as in drinking lah..
but well should be ok lah.. Im gna take a nap later on.. when all the staffs.. well 2 comes in at 5
oh gosh my head's like trebling somehow lolx

last nite after wrk I met mr fiance and we head to pasir ris park to meet emmy n frenz..
well.. I miss her.. I wish her all d best=)
you know, ive tried applying online for the solemnisation date but I cant leh.. 1990 can but must wait til its date of birth..
haisshh
what diffs does that made kan..
very the irritatings

and then as I do opening now.. then maybe around 5 after elis come I will catch some sleep.. then tomorrow do opening again..
sibeh tanchia
lolx

n oh oh..
haroon norman berge's in fb.. I send him a msg..
his profile pic is of him with a a 5 yr old boy which im guessing should be his son..
lets see if hes gna reply=)

i wna shlp='((
tomorrow then me meet mr fiance again n spend some us time..if u know what I mean..lolx

kks,
Happy new year everyone,
may you be blez with all the gd things in lyf..
=))

byby love you lotsa.

Goodbye 2009. Remember 2010. Experience 2011.

2010-12-31T03:13:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

i guess everythings fine.. for now..

I have no off day for nxt wk as well sehs..

haiz leh mampus..

gaji lum msk..

I wna get a hp..

coz mr fiance will be getting a hp.. so I want one too..haha

im getting a c3..nokia..

something like blackberry..

n ya mr fiance getting a blackberry..

hes been hard working parttime to get a phone lolx

poor thing him..

I heard pay comim out today.. well, see lor later=)

I mite b meeting ince later..

but the ting is Im working at 6am tmw..till like pple come in then zi stone..haiz..=( sad sad=((

n byby will be wrking

wat a life..

he would only book in on monday..maybe I will meet him sunday nite lor..insya-allah

i guess.. here we are at the very end of 2010. December 31st.

another year has gone. 2009 will be put in the memories box.. but I will remember 2010.. as I go thru 2011..

it will be an exciting year fro me insya-allah without the dreaded challenges..

ya allah..

jauh kan lah diriku dan tunang ku dari fitnah dan dengki..

satukan lah hati ku dan hati nya..

berkati lah kami dgn sepertimana yg kau ingin kan.

amin.

byby love u much. miss u.

You've changed.

2010-12-29T08:18:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

this past 3 weeks..
I dont know how to describe how its like..
its hell for me but I was pretending that I will get over this as calmly as I could.
I love him and I dnt wna lose him.. but its taking my every strength to keep me sane.
I dnt want what happened to me last year this time repeats itself..
or is it already happening?

maybe im d one whos thinking too much.. but how can I not think when the change's to clear to notice? what was a routinely done for the past 9 mths that we are together somehow is lost gradually this past few weeks..
where have we gone wrong..
asked him, talked to him.. I didnt get any answer except for the fact that he says that im thinking too much..
way too much..
is it wrong for me to read into the ever changing signals that he's no longer there?
a simple question of whether hes meeting me or not couldnt be simply answered and instead lead to more unwanted questions?
I thought to ease my mind from questions is to put my mind at ease by doing what he has to do as a fiance and not make me feel insecure?
would it be wrong for once to take d blame and tell me that everything is all right that he loved me and had never change and instead he's keeping the silence & hurting me badly with his actions?
why..
why must you do this byby?
I should have not counted my eggs early..
I thought you are different..
and that you really love me ..
but why am I crying byby?

why am I crying still?
its half past 8..in the morning.. he still have not call or sms me..I will wait till tonight..

if he still keep his silence..then I will ask mama what to do..
maybe I will cancel the wedding..
='((

maybe my dreams are suppose to be just dreams..

he breaks his promise..
he's letting me fall and never wna catch..

if he let go...
i never wna try again..
ya allah.. I don't want to anymore.
and I will go away..
built my own world around me. for this time, im hurting badly.
noone knows.
Ya allah, lindungi hamba mu ini.

byby.
i love you ='((

Ini yg terakhir..dan selamanya.

2010-12-22T03:12:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

my last two siblings made me smile. yeah, they quarrel..both ego..but like the saying says.."blood is thicker than water" defines us.. Siblings.

right now, i'm missing my lil bro, Min.
we used to be so near..so close..
and now so far away..
he's so distant from us.. and I doubt that he felt the same way.
as both of us would be getting married the same year 2011.
the distance will be more noticeable.

i'm trying to buy a small flat from hdb or rent one..
I wrote to the chairman telling him that with my situation its so confusing..
I cant buy coz they say my cpf's not enaf and to rent my pay is too high.. so what m suppose to do?
someone already replied.. I will send in the needed documents by next week insya-allah..
providing that I got my latest 3mths payslip and Mr fiance's 11B...

well, there's news about a bonus early next year or b4 chn new year..
insya-allah=)

I cant wait till end month, I will pay the remaining money to get my wedding invitation card printed=) as for the rest..I have to just wait till the day itself=D

anywaes,
actually me n Mr fiance got into a argument of some sort..this 2 days..he's like so formal..
although he told me that hes no longer angry..
I knw he still does.=(
I'm sorry byby.

I love u still.
muahmuahmuah

Dulang Hantaran - Wedding gifts

2010-12-18T04:58:00.002+08:00

ola ola..

when I was younger I was full of envy to the brides who have had branded stuffs as their wedding gifts..
and its like cool..or I said before--> SHOW OFFS
haha
then of coz now that I am the one whos getting married..
I just know that I must have some items which will remind me of this wonderful day=)
for him,
A PRADA ziparound wallet..
An Armani Exchange Stainless steel watch
A Guess aviator sunglass
Sejadah & Al-Quran
Toiletries
Zara/ Hugo Boss Shirt

For me:
Coach Ashley satchel handbag
Coach Makeup bag with Estee Lauder cosmetics
Coach Hazel Sunglasses
Sejadah & Telekung
Dress (havent decide which brand)

then the rest will be food galore hahaahaha

ahems ahems..
the branded stuff will set me back at least 1.5K..
thats like after discounts..
and d food dulang havent count yet..lolx

& so OF COZ im just praying for BONUS..
Im not asking for much..I dnt mind getting just one month's bonus..the very least it covered some NECESSITIES
haha bual mcm paham..

anywaes, me n Mr fiance havent go for our pre marriage course.the problem is they refuse us to register even now altho we plan to go after his bdae.
They told us to register after his bdae.eesshh irritating..

When Jan comes have to book the venue.. and register our marriage online.
I hope that the ROMM does not operate like the APKIM coz if it does , I can only register on his bdae..
ooh pls dont..
but I doubt so=D
coz ive checked that the counted by year but not month=)
insya-allah..
k lah k lah.. ive nt met Mr fiance for a wk now..n Im missing him badly..he's in tekong..
dnt knw when he will bk out=(
I'm red light alert though.

ps: im thinking of quitting..
after my wedding.. find a new job.
but of coz..after working at a plc for so long..like sayang to leave..
but well..the pay increment and bonus (if have) will decide my intention.

Ya allah,
tabah kan lah diri ku & tunang ku untuk melalui saat susah ini.
jauh kan lah fitnah dengki & godaan syaitan tika di saat pernikahan kita yg mendekati.
ku perlu bimbingan mu ya allah.

byby love u.
come back home soon.
I miss you.
muahmuahmuah.

16 days to 2011

2010-12-15T03:07:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

New year resolutions everyone!!
well.. can I have new year wishes instead? lolx..
one of it will be, can I get bonus for this year's work puhleeaassee?=)
hehs
it will sure help me with my wedding..=D

well well well..
just so you guys know that the date has been set..
28 would be my solemnisation n 29 my wedding lunch reception..=)
alhamdulillah, Ive settled most major stuff.. cuma berkat je blm dpt jawapan ni..
eesshh frust..lolx

and another thing..
my younger brother min..
will be getting married next year as well..
23 & 24 of July.

next year 28 may would be me n Mr fiance's 1yr 2mths together..
yeah 28 march our 1st year=)
we've really gone very far=)

Pinky prince contacted me last 2days..
had a nice long conversation with her=)

well, I shall end here.. I will write again when its nearer to 2011=)

byby, love u.

Love story

2010-12-06T04:22:00.002+08:00

Ola Ola..

when I was younger..well.. as I grow up thru the years.. I asked myself again & again if I ever would find someone who will love me and make me feel complete..
that I will feel that he's a compliment rather than an obligation..
not just on paper but a soul mate..a companion for life..
after being with Taz for almost 5 yrs n getting to knw of all the times she had cheated on me..
or even illyas..the one I was head over heels for..but he broke me real hard..that I never regain the strenght to march forward..

n then I meet him.. Mr Fiance..
oh how I pushed him away the first 2 mths..I know he knows that my hearts still with someone else then..after all saids and done.. when his sure of slipping a ring thru my finger..
I knw there's no turning back..

they say its the little things..
n without fail he showed it..
holding my hand tight.. wiping away my tears.. reassuring me when things are bad..

he's my dream. and I never wna wake up from it.

he text me this b4 : "I love you more than I love myself"
n in fb.. saying that he will alwaes love me..

every time when my minds a mess..
every lil actions and words that he said n did..
I pray to god that it will never change.

I never thought that I will be loved by someone like how I'm feeling now by him.
He's a blessing.
Muhammad Nordin Bin Suden,
insya-allah.. just 5 months more..
n I will be your wife legally.

I love u byby.
very much.
n i'm missing u with every breath that I take.

Anyone wanna sponsor my wedding? =D

2010-11-28T06:01:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

ya allah..
tabahkan lah hati hamba mu ini untuk melalui saat susah ni..
amin..

really.. I'm like at my wit ends surveying.. researching for both catering and deco.. Ive yet to find one that suits my budget.
well.. I'm looking at Iza Catering and Siti Mayang Sari..
as for bridal outfit..it would be D'Glamz..
Dj/Karaoke entertainment by Arjuna
Wedding cake by Yummyumkins
Bunga rampai will be from Husgif (expensive but NICE)
then sireh dara and bunga pahar from this girls..their name very long lah..
then..berkat.. Ive still yet to find (*more headache*)
Wedding invitation.. if I got from Iza..they throw in for free.. if not I haf to survey again..
n not forgetting photography by Lephotographe..
maybe I wna do videography..but I will have to see how the deco & catering is like..
Inai from Vinoz Henna..
ape lagi ehk..
yayaya kompang.. and maybe tarian also=)
brape bnyk duit abis dok......................................
lolx

but well me n fiance's looking forward..
everything will go well..insya-allah..

aniwaes..
happy 8th mnthsary to us byby=)
I love u syg.
6 more mths to go=)

Maintaining Composure

2010-11-26T05:18:00.000+08:00

Ola Ola!!

Im panicking!!!!! HELP!!!!
remember I told you guys that I wna make do with a simple wedding at desa kartika..
NOW my parents told me that they would prefer to have hold MY wedding under the void deck..

Bouncy-bouncy smack smack..Im gna have a heart attack!!!!!!

im like asking for the best quotations ever.. will need to get those all under one roof kind..lolx..so lessen my already STRESS level..
then by NEXT month..I would have gotten down all deposits.. yeah paying 2k in all..
Mr Fiance says we gna discuss about this when he meets me.. Most prob he will take the Desa kartika..
As for this month I will just down the deps for my inai.. and Mr photographer..need to get things going lah..

aniwaes, I log on to Mr Fiance's FB.. and I realised that he had left a msg at my ex's ex's gf..asking about me n my ex.. and that was like early september..
hmm he didnt tell me anything..
haish
I guess hes just being jealous again..
but well, he loves me.. N I love him..

I'm excited abt our wedding yay!!=)

byby.. u mean the world to me syg. N i mean it when I told u that I wna be ur wife.
"forever is a lie.. eternity will never be.. but til d day I last breathe.. U will alwaes be my one n only.."

byby love u.

hooray hooray

2010-11-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

"its my party n I'll cry if I want to.. "
my bdae's coming in 9 days tym..yay=)

I cant wait..
me n fiance will be going for a romantic Sky dining.. and a day at sentosa=)

I'm thinking of getting myself a phone..n a coach bag.lolx
but then i will go over budget=(
whats with my wedding preparation to go by..

I'm having udon seafood..
n i'm like very sleepy.
Last night me n fiance tent out at p.ris beach.
it was raining when we are supposed to get ready to pack n go..
we both were so drenched lor..

this mth, I have many people asking about my blog..
thank you to those who have read and showed support..

its gna be yr end soon..
let me update some stuff..
pinky prince, still contacting. but very randomly. I stil miss her much, but since she had chose to go.. I will respect that fact.
Illyas, Just randomly knows abt his life thru word of mouth n random fb chats asking khabar..
Taz.. No longer in touch.. heard she's serving time.

and this mth.. 8th mnthsary for me n fiance.
Alhamdulillah..
6 more mths to go to our wedding.

byby, love u very much.

Impressions

2010-11-19T02:48:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

when people talk to me, their first impression was ..wah, like wna kna slap only..
then 2nd impression.. would be.. wah, u r nt like the girls I knw..

thats just me.
I dnt have any reason why I wna complicate myself..
sure.. they will know me.. by my outside..
but the inside. only me myself n I.

aniwaes, m thinking of doin a gathering for me ex staffs.. insya-allah..
of coz when my fiance is around..

I'm not feeling well.
down with flu n cough.
its d waffles n ice cream fault=p

n yeah coke=)

im on my mission to gain weight.
but mcm tk wrk aje..lolx
later me wrking at 5 again..
bdaes coming soon=)

I cnt wait=)

byby love u.
Miss u.

Thalassemia

2010-11-11T03:19:00.000+08:00

Ola OlA

few years back when doctors told me that I'm anaemic, I just shrug off the word and thought nothing of it.then when I was admitted to the hospital last 2mths, I got to know that it was more than anaemia itself..
it was thalassemia.
not fair right.
considering the fact that I have 3 other siblings and I was the only one who had inherited from my parentz.
worst, I dnt know from who.

well,
first thing first I need to get my fiance go thru med checkup.
I cant afford to have him to have thalassemia too
coz if both parenz have thalassemia..
the child they having will have major thal.
this could lead to death.

im serious.
I doubt my fiance knows about this.
mine's quite minor just that I must keep track that I take more proteins.. or iron tablets to supplement myself.
wth.
I dnt even take tablets.

aniwaes, lets talk abt wrk now.
honestly..
im just waiting till my wedding is over thn I will pack up n go.
or maybe..
later, my fiance will be going for his adf interview.
y'knw he has applied like so many times..
countless of rejection. out of that all twice he went for the med checkup..
and suddenly just two days ago, his officer told him that he need to be at cmpb on thursday for an interview with adf.
I dnt know what that means or should I be excited but after talking to my younger bro.. whos under adf n ranger too.. he said that if my fiance is called to go for the interview than he not haf to worry.
next up would be his ippt with adf.
if hes earning 1.5k each mth..adding with what im earning, then we both would lead a very financially stable life.insya-allah.

to be truthful,
we both are in a panicking mode as we gna be preparing for our marriage/
I just hope that everything will went well.
I wnt be doing the traditional malay void deck wedding.

19 days to my bdae=)
28 i will take off as its our mthsary and his mama's bdae.
Tues I take OFF then wed 1st Dec, I take PH.Tues, we'll go to the SG flyer then in the evenin to Mt Faber for a sky dining romantic dinner at night head to a hotel then wed go universal studio..fun ehk? lolx
just hope that I wnt be visited by Miss Mens hahahahahahahaha

this will be all for today..
I will write again definetely.
Insya-allah.

byby love u.
I mish u much.
muahmuahmuah=*

Inilah aku apa adanya

2010-11-07T02:22:00.000+08:00

Ola Ola..

Just my luck.

I had like type the whole page my deepest thoughts and feelings. and everything's not save.
n now I have to type everything back again and it wont be as near to what I typed just now blueks.

I was saying.

I love my fiance.

I do, very much.

This would be our 8th months. and we have went so far.. & we did went thru some stuff.. Just that as much as I love him, thats the very reason why I'm being hesitant to get into any arguments.

I hate arguments, quarrels of any sort.. just coz I know that people can hurt their love ones with words they said even though that they dont meant it.

and I dont have the strength to hear stuff that will only harm my confidence, harm my faith as a lady who chose to believe in love again after it long abandon her even though she love with all her life.

I vow he's my last and I will mark my words.

I doubt he would ever understand.. the fact that hes d only one I could turn to is making things much more complicated then it already is.

our weddin's slated to be next year May.Insya-allah.

Next week sun 14 Nov would be my cousin's Rafi engagement. My 2 cousins Shidah & Kak Yaya both blessed with a baby girl each. Congrats=)

I cant wait for my turn=)

byby,

I love u.Much.

a princess at heart

2010-11-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

" a rollercoaster ride is always the essence of life for the princess at heart"
thats me.
just me.
I was a gd girl gone bad.
fall that many times and WHAM i just decided to change.
I dnt wna be the one who alwaes fall and cant face the reality when bad things happen.
what a girl have to do when all she could was cry.
but then again.
how long could we cry.

noone will understand us.
and noone will pull us up after a fall except us ourself.

Ive been writing in this blog since like 4-5yrs ago..
many things have had happened to me.

reading back thru the shits and the sometimes happy feelings that I went thru.
I have come this very far..
now I'm an assistant manager.. blissfully happy with my beloved fiance.

sure I still go thru shits.
the thing is humans are never satisfied with whatever they have..
they think they know what they want or even needed but still.. any point of a time...when everything was in their way.. they screw it up anyway.

still, theres no room for regrets.
N Im a believer on that.
Whatever happens in the future is just becoz of our own actions and deeds.
theres no point pointing fingers and blaming others for what had happen.
people are cruel.
its a people eat people world.
everyone wants to suceed and if that means by bein hypocrite or even backstabbing one friend..
MONEY IS EVERYTHING.

okay Im bein emo shit..
actually im just bored
here with me at gelare..
i have two little rascal normally works with me at nyt.
one complements the other when it comes to fire & water.
they make my day.

the fact that Ive alwaes been able to communicate with the younger ones..
they are not excluded.
somehow as I grow older.. 27 this yr.. 28 nxt..
I still retain on my believe to have freedom n such..
I still hate lectures, being told what to do,
I told my fiance that even if we were to have kids..
if they were gna try smoking or even tattooing..
I wont stop them..
ahakz..
I wonder if i will be turning back on my wrds when I already have kids then lolx

aniwaes..
I would turn this blog to a book by end of this year..
it would be my most treasured possession as its my words, my feelings.
me, Elisha Suriani.

byby love u.

The art of STONING

2010-10-30T22:44:00.000+08:00

Ola Ola..

well well well.
its been a while since I last updated..
many stuff had happened
actually it was now a long while ago when I told that I was promoted.. got myseld admitted to d hospital..
and did i tell that I cut my hair short?
and I regretted cuttin lah
hahahahaha

y regret u might asked?
well, its kinda irritatin to hear pple ask and then exclaim.. y siah sue/el cut ur hair.. u look more pretty/cuter with ur hair longer..
bluekz..
lolx
vainer I more becomin lolx
n that I told my fiance..
see I'm pretty
lolx

anywaes as u cn read from my head title..
it said : The art of STONING
no, I read it in ur mind..
its not that kind of stoning 1) stoning --> a death sentence requiring people to throw stones to criminal till death.. (scary ehk, I think I will die by the 3rd stone they throw)
2) Stoning --> getting high by taking illegal drugs
no, I'm not referring to this 2 but instead..my boz at Iluma said I quote is Stoning, the art of doing nothing and staring into empty spaces for a LONG TIME..
so yeah thats what Im refering to..

Im no longer with MFM
dont intent to go back to..
kinda dissappointed with lotsa things
right now though Im stil under the same company.. but diff brand.. Gelare..
@ Airport Terminal 2 Transit..

Its very boring here
a challenge really but s it is..
im taking ever day s it is..
god help me..

anywaes..this mth me n fiance 7th mth
and coming..my 27th bdae.. n our 8th mth anniversary=)

byby Love u=)

not the best days of my life

2010-09-17T09:43:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

september sucks big time..
too many stuff happen that I wish I could just zap myself into non-existence..
d worst thing is that my fiance aint around to say that everythings gna be ok..
n its really eating me alive lah..
I hate this feeling of helplessness..
my effing leg is weak..
I cant stay in one position for long let alone stands up for a long time..

my family house has been padlcked by ts owner.. just coz my parenz defaulted on payment.. they are supposed to pay 2k yesterday.. but my mom got only a fraction of that amount.. my request for advance pay is rejected.. n my dad would only get his pay on 22nd..
the fact is tat I can find a place for myself.. but what about my family.. or even art??
im having a series of bad luck one after another..

tmw.. my 2 big boz coming..
I more headache..
and we only haf 4 staff on the floor..
I dont know what we are getting ourselves into..

I miss my fiance..=(
byby love u.

Eid Ramzan Mubarak

2010-09-10T15:54:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

Selamat hari raya=)
this ramadhan has been a very tryin period for me..
I requested to be discharged from hospital just the other day..
cant stand d continous pain..I rather die..
esp with the fact that I had alwaes been very afraid of needles.

I was hit with diarheoa and the next thing I know I was already in the ambulance to the new hospital in yishun..
my fever was 40.1 and my blood count has dropped to a fatal stage 2.6 in fact..
N I needed immediate blood transfusion.. and was put in intra drips..
worst, it was my first day of menses..
during this point of time.. I couldnt do anything.. couldnt evenclean up after myself.. everything relying on the nurses..it was heart wrenching.. i feel so helpless as I cried myself to sleep everytym.. just hoping that I will wake up and find that Im just having a bad dream..
My fiance took leave and spend his time with me.. taking in my tantrums..
in fact every nurses bore my being cranky n difficult..

at last I have to just tell them that I cant tke it anymore..

I will get back to work next week wednesday.
insya-allah..

and
art is with me.

byby love u.

Happy 5th Monthsary..

2010-08-27T00:25:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

Happy 5th monthsary byby..
as it is 28 is our anniversary n 13 is our engagement anniversary..
it s been 5 mths we r together.. n 2 out of it as ur fiancee..

we went thru stuffs..
to everyone else its normal..
but to me its heart wrenching..
just having gone thru it way before u came into my life few mths back..
I was not abt to go thru it all again
once bitten twice shy they say..
and so I was up defensive..
but alhamdulillah.. we have to stay strong..

aniwaes I have gd news to share..
my name tag has change..
to sue --> manager=)
im assistant manager 2=)
I dnt wna hiphiphurray yet..
once my pay gets in..then I will rejoice..
I wna go slp now..
fri..
sure happening at iluma as alwaes=)

byby love u..

regrets..

2010-08-21T12:01:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

when we talk about regrets..
me for one.. I practiced the fact that I dont do regrets. things happens for a reason and many times it was us who at the first place who made decisions to what the end result should be..
but then again im only human..
n one thing that I did regret is when I let Illyas walks away..
noone will understands how I feel.

hes d reason to why.. I cant never be bothered to argue..
keeping my silent..
n now that im with nordin
hes another matterto start with..

n i know.. that as much as he changed me .
he wont make me do things I never want to..
im becoming another me..
how i smiled and laughed when im with illyas..
i gained weight..the many tears cried that equals to many laughter that I laugh..
I had loved him very much.. n in another few daes it would have been a yr for us.
might hve been.

n as for me n nordin.. it would be our 5th mth together.. 3rd mth of being his fiancee.
had a heart to heart talk with dayang last night..
se dun understands why im doing this to myself..
but honestly i wna get over n done with..
same goes for work..
im leaving it to the hands of gods.,
if my path meant to be in the path of promotion.. then ahamdulillah..

ya allah,
tabah kan lah hati hamba mu ini.

Love u byby.

.. dont have to cry me out..

2010-08-20T01:15:00.000+08:00

ola ola..
it would be another 21 more days before we raya-ing..
or did I count right lolx
fasting month is kinda dugaan..comes in many forms..
but well.. I have to go thru somehow kan..
nordin is over at my place since tues..
he will go back on sat..
this 2 days me off.. me masak..
lolx
ayam lemak cili padi n sotong sambal hitam..
( n my sis commented tat its nt even black..)
well, its not black becoz the stupid sotong dont have enaf ink pouch..
watever they call it lah.. lolx

=)
later m gng back to work..
tired,,
hehs
aniwaes selamat bersahur=)

Love u byby.

i'll never let you walk away..

2010-08-12T02:12:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

--> I've learnt in time that to love is to learn to let go.. what Ive yet to learn is the fact that Ive yet to learn how to make the one I love stay..

Ramadhan Kareem to all my muslim frens out there..

well..for this few days me cuma leh jadi tukang kejut aje hehs
n guess what, I think got a slight variance over my wedding prepartion budget..
about 2-3k more tk salah..

pening cek..
lolx

its already gna be 3am.. n I still cant sleep..
later working at 3pm..
yesterday noon is me off day but me work ot.. coz not enaf staff..hopefully next week will be better..n b4 carl left..he congratulates me..
left me questioning..
and at the greeter stand he told me..
the increase pay is huge n therefore Im expected to perform better or it would look bad on him..
honestly im still clueless..
or my mind just dont wna join the pieces..
hmm..

im like listening to old sentimental songs at youtube..
u know MLTR,Firehouse..
how come they dont make this kind of music anymore? all I hear is the same stuff like lady gaga
I like her but it wont hurt to haf soothing emo song to turn to when ure dwn right?=p

I should go to sleep siah..
tomorrow I will be going out to break fast with my fiance insya-allah if nothing at work stops me..

byby mish u.
love u much.

never say never

2010-08-09T04:50:00.000+08:00

ola ola

random title..
actually I dnt realy like d song although Im in love with jaden smith lolx..
I wnt mind having a talented kid like him..

aniwaes, I was suprised when nura called me.. asked if i wna mt her for supper..
as she rides she would fetch me..
Ive known her since like shes 18.. n I step back from her life when I broke up with Taz and especially when she got with Iqah..
s it is frm d bottom of my heart ive never hated her..
n truth is known tat Ive never loved Iqah..
she was companion for the moment..
still no matter what.. what had mattered to me at tat point of time is that nura's happy..
I treat her like a baby girl..
if I have a lil daughter I want her to b someone like nura..
very strong optimistic n confident girl..
pretty soft spoken fair..very childlike..
I missed her I do..
but i will respect her decision if shes uncomfy with me coming back into her life..
I understand.. but I hope she knows tat I will be around if she needs me so.

my priorities has alwaes been work..
n second Family/Fiance.
I have lotsa acquantaince..
but true friends.. none.
its me myself & I.

- BLANK -

2010-08-05T02:58:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

How??????
Im still not done with my staff schedule.. I need to pass it later to Carl as he need to check it first..n I'm not even procrastinating..
its just that we have been busy.. many things are happening at Iluma..
we have 2 more new staff for FOH adding to the headcount of total 13 for FOH.
I need 2 more lor.
n as for BOH.. I need to find at least 3-4 more..

pple reading this wont be understanding of what im saying here..
aniwaes..for the whole of july that ive bn craving for fish head curry..
I finally got to eat courtesy of my beloved mama..
shes so swweeeettt.. love u mama'
got myself to 2 helpings..hehs
later morning can continue again..

anywaes its GNA be busybusy later..
Inauguration Day @ MFM Iluma.
Paul Twohill will be around..

Nites PPle=)

Love u byby.
Miz u much=(
*muahmuah*

a start..

2010-08-02T03:47:00.000+08:00

Ola ola..

Alhamdulillah.. have down my first deposit for my wedding catering.
Under Smar Wedding Service.. & tailoring for Nordin n mine baju raya=)
Insya-allah.. 1 wk before raya to siap..

Im working hard.. stressed somehow..
expectations to fulfilled..

November my fiance will go overseas for his training for at least a month..
min pun should be away to thailand at this moment for his ranger course..

n oh aniwaes our baju raya will pink black=P
I might wna buy one more pair but more to bollywood kind=D

M off today.. gna sleep the whole day..
hehs
I miss my fiance.

byby Love u loads.
miz u much.

Thats when I love you..

2010-07-28T04:20:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

its already half past 4am.. byby will be mad at me knowing tat ive not sleep yet..
I just cant sleep ah..
mama just woke up..
and it just started raining.. I would have to wake up at 1.. must be out by 130..
Carl talk to me abt punctuality..
again..
and he talks about..
rather than promoting me to arm..
but mit 1st..
so I could get 2 increments rather than just one..

Honestly..
Im just too numb to hear all that..
Im just living a day as it goes by..
if I get promoted..then alhamdulillah..

I have to worry abt my wedding preparation lag..

k lah I think i must slp..
haha
nites..
i mean..
gd morning..

love u byby

If Only..

2010-07-19T01:56:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

while I was on the way home.. while walking.. i found myself crying.. with every thoughts tat suddenly pass thru my mind..
Ive said tat I wanna give up..
tats also when I ber-isghtifar..
ya allah Im no longer strong to go thru this many phases..
im tired emotionally..
nordin is treating me well..
just tat when it comes to me needing to have a sensible conversation..
it just wont happen..

as it is.. theres many things I have in mind..
with my marriage preparation n also wanting to help out my parenz..
its kinda hectic 4 me..
i nd to put aside at 1k each mth to have the wedding in mind to take plc..
at leaz 14k for the wedding itself..n I only haf 11mths to go..
but if i were to put aside d 1k can is can..bu I wont be able to help my parenz..
as it is Ive made d necessary plans.. I will still save n help my parenz..
each month i have to have at leaz 1.6k put aside.. not including my ent..
it couldnt be that bad kan?
i need to ot at leat 3 days a week..
to get tat additional cash..
if it doesnt wrk.. I might haf to get another job for the moment..
insya-allah..I just have to be strong..
n Pray tat things will go smoothly..

insya-allah.. next month dah star puasa..
me n nordin blm tempah baju lag..
not sure nk buat brape pasang though..most shops wont take in order already..
but alhamdulillah..I know of a place..

byby.. I miz u.love u alwaes.

a dream...

2010-07-14T01:15:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

when I mentioned a dream..
i can add on word to make it a sentence,,
example a dream wedding..
..of which I dnt know I would be able to fulfil or not..
as days passed.. I cant deny that seeing that we wna get married by may next yr..
we only haf 11 mths to get everything done..
u knw catering bookings n all..
but theres so many things in mind tat I have to strez about that I'm afraid that I will crumble n not wna get married at all..
I dnt wna get married for the wrong reason;;
I wna be very sure that Nordin's d one for me..
that he would be the one who will pick me up when I fall..
I love him// I do..
just that situations of daily life is pulling me down N expectations tat I cant keep is keepin my morale low..
and something happened last week..
something which affected me greatly..
hes young thats something I cant deny..although its not what that concerns me..
many questions are playing in my mind that I haf no answers to..
the answers will only come as I go thru each day..
everytym when doubts start creepin into me..
this would be the times when I would argue with nordin..
n its not fair for him=(
I know he loves me..
but I also know that he cant do much..
i gtg.. sleepy already
byby i miss u.

--> & I need you now..=)

2010-07-07T02:43:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

" its a quarter after one & Im all alone..n I need you now..."

got back from wrk..
I was resting in the room.. then I moved to the bed in the living room and I was gone in barely minutes.. I woke up again past midnight..
just now got to talk with bucuk for a while..
cant wait to meet him later after wrk..
Im not sure if he knows the existence of this blog..

or even if he knows whether he haf read it..

as it is..
He question me in a sms.. whether in anyway that his ways are reminding me of my ex.. Illyas.
Honestly No.
they are two worlds apart..
if nordin's like illyas.. theres no way that we both would have gotten engaged somehow..
He would have still wna enjoy or evn if he wna setlle down.. He would be afraid to.
N I dnt want him to b like illyas.
let illyas be the person I want to remember him off.
a nice guy who's just misunderstood.

as it is..
planning for the upcoming wedding proved to be stressing..=(
especially when it comes to cash..
coz Im still helping my parenz with the expenses..
N for me to haf a wedding like they wanted.. I wont be able to help them out..
n I would feel guilty somehow..--.--

as for my bro min,
hes undergoing his ranger course.
I miss him N im proud of him..
but I guess..many things have changed
hes no longer the small bro I used to dote on..

all my siblings are growing.. N I miss the time that they are all around..hearing their laughter fill up d house.its a nice feeling.
n we might not have that anymore soon once I n nordin got married.. n min n nur gets married too..
thats when I hope to have my own kids..
they would be the shining stars in both my family n Nordin's.. n of coz us.
Puteri Syafinaz Natasha.
nice ehk the name?
s for me n for nordin
but nt confirm ah.. coz my dad might wna contribute..
mama was the one who wants natasha..

insya-allah..
kiita cuma leh merancang..

if our jodoh.. u will soon c our first kid photo here..=)
amin=)
byby love u.

I won't fall out of love;p

2010-07-02T01:32:00.000+08:00

ola ola

this few days I would be blogging my mind off..
anywaes we intend to go down to universal studio this coming sunday 4th july..
I just hope that it wont rain lor
if rain then no point goin coz me wna tke the rides seh..

me n nordin have not really properly gone out..
u know s in go somewhere together..
I miss him somehow..
u know many times I tried so hard not to fall for someone..coz what it will lead is only more heartache and cries..
with nordin I could be so manje.. he will pamper me..
alwaes saying that Im his baby girl and all..
with him I learn the word SULK as in merajuk.
which I never want to coz.. I just dont know how to lah.. especially with a guy..

with him I could be anything..
jus y is my defences still up..
its like I still keep saying that if I didnt get married it would still be ok..
that I dnt need a guy..
n smehow I realise that I dnt wna fall to deep..

whatever happen between me N illyas still haunts me..
N
i still cry..

cry becoz Im afraid..

this girl has grown up to be a lady..

but yet she cries coz she no longer wna says everythings gna be alryt..

the pain of letting go someone you love so much.. i will remember forever

haroon..ince..taz..pinky prince.. illyas..
but how I cried for Illyas surpasses the ones I used to love..

n now Im with nordin..

N I love him with all my heart..
hes my story when I was about to end..
hes my unintended..

N i hope the happy ending that Ive always prayed for is here to stay.
Amin.
Insya-allah.

byby love u.

--> my unintended

2010-06-29T02:24:00.000+08:00

ola ola

I feel like Im cheated somehow..honestly at the rate I'm gng..
I think its time for me to start finding a new job..

I dnt wna talk about wrk here..get into trouble for the wrong reason..
just not worth it..

as for me n nordin.. it would be our 3rd mth together.. n our 1st mth of engagement..
its a trying period for both of us..
family is one thing..
n temptations another..
not for him..
but yours truly.

its scaring me somehow.
every little thing I do..I keep in mind d fact that what we are sharing are no longer bf-gf attachment
n that we are indeed getting married..
one side of me.. is saying everythings gna b alryt..
but the other part of me is saying..y worry?

we gna get our Hari Raya Clothes tailored this sun..or maybe tomorrow..
n also I will put down a deposit for my wedding cake and inai as well..
he will be getting his itouch N get his phone replaced..
intendin to go Universal studio this sunday.. if not then I bring him go mt isha n art..
then Aug I will put dwn d deposit for my wedding catering decos n all ah

Im gna go slp.. nd to be at wrk at 12 noon later..
byby..love u.

Conscience Clear

2010-06-19T01:14:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

Nordin haf the pazwrd to my fb..
as it is coincidently..I was chatting with Zul..
my ex staff in WS..
n he gt mad over the conversation between the both of us..
I mean, Im not suprised lah,,
but I told him..the same thing I told Zul..
My conscience is clear..if he knows then he knows lah..
tk bersalah kan berkawan?
I did apologise to him..
if somehow..
d conversation made him unhappy..
coz itz never my intention to do so.
anywaes..my menses has been goin on for almost 2 weeks..
Im dying with no blood lolx..
Im scared my problem come back again
the specialist says internal bleeding..
scary lor
k lah this will be all
nites=)
byby love u..

Pertunangan Nordin & Suriani

2010-06-14T14:04:00.000+08:00

Ola Ola..

alhamdulillah.. evrything went well..

pertunangan me n nordin berlangsung sudah..

& insya-allah next year bulan 5 will be our pernikahan & persandingan=)

then I will be back to work tomorrow..=)

this end month nak gi tailoring baju..for raya=)

many preparations nak gi buat.. ni I dnt knw yet buat sanding wif min atau tidak..

tengok lah mcm mane..

thank you to all my cousins..

to relatives who help out..

& nur..my bro tunang..thank you very much..really appreciate it..

k lah..

gtg..

bubye..

byby love u.

everyone deserve to be.. happy.

2010-06-11T04:03:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

its lyk 4 plus in the morning.. n im still wide awake..
not to wory though.. im OFF for 4 days..
ho sei liao!!!
is tat a correct term??
sembarang je el..lolx

later byby booking out at around 5 pls.. me not sure meetin him tk..
coz we intend to catch karate kid=)

honestly im tired..
and when sat comes as we narrow dwn to last minit preparation..everyone wil be exhausted=p
im looking forward for this sunday.. i will be made up.. like a bride..
yes last minit changes.. quite a number of pple will be coming.. so my parenz want it proper..
money again flyfly..
lolx

as it is..will upload the engagement pics..soon..hehs
love u byby.

its a beautiful world

2010-06-08T17:17:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

its a beautiful world..
just that it has been tarnish by badbadbad pple..
n last minit changes..

ahaks
ok tats very random,

Im kinda proud wit myself..
if with the other girls whos goin thru wat Im gg thru now wil definetely get depression or given up somehow..
lolx..
nah..now thats an exaggeration..
honestly..
Im panicking
but in a more cool discreet way..
ahem..
hmm
hhaha
todays tuesday..
and its wed,thurs fri sat..
n sun I would be officially be someones fiancee..tomorrow Im gna go see my baju tunang..
& its at bukit batok seh!!!

i wil reach there round 11 plus in the morning..
haiz..
my cousin kak yanti will do one gubahan..
my mak long will do one gubahan..and I will have another 3..
maybe..
s in cincin.
the wallet/tie & belt from pedro..
n toiletries..

n im like running out of time.haisshhhhhhhhh
hee..
if I never wear the baju tunang thing..I can wear my own baju..& do my own makeup kan?
but I dnt use makeup..
how d hell I make myself up..
aiyohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

cant wait to see my prince n princess this sat=)
maybe I can ask taz to send them on fri instead=)
see how lah..
k lah..gotta go..
Ya allah..
sesungguhnya Kau Maha Penyayang & Maha Kasih..Berkati Lah hari2 ku ini dengan ketabahan untuk melalui zaman pertunangan ku bersama insan yg ku pilih untuk menjadi teman hidupku..Amin..

Love you byby.

13 June 2010 Sunday

2010-05-31T01:44:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

today I went to le maison's bridal.. N i simply fall in love with the bridal outfits=p
nordin came with me..n he liked what he saw too..
as it is before that we went to joo chiat to get the dulang trays for d ring..

my mama's panicking..
its like in 2 weeks time therefore she made some last minit changing of mind..
instead of cooking with the help of her siblings.. she says she wanna hire catering instead..
n i think im gna get a headache..
nordin got back to camp already..
..
this 2 weeks will be bz bz bz=)

an unlikely story

2010-05-30T10:08:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

manytimes I was told about my incoming promotion..n time again, I got soo dissapointed that I'm jaded talking about it..either the fact..they said, I quote.."ure not being constant" or just that "u need more follow up".. therefore what Im gna do now. since my passion's still in me is to tke everything on my stride.. I might not be gd but I can be better.. people training is not my best subject.. but I have to take the role on to put Iluma's name above the rest of the outlets including WS in Service Excellence.

I will be having a staff meeting for a kick start..

Carl has been very supportive and I was impressed of the fact that hes totally not like what everyone had said..of coz I would be lying if I had said that I dont care what people said. but this being life.. people judgement alwaes plays a part in everyone's daily life..

I just hope that Iluma's service will improved tremendously.. n indeed its showing results as I focused on Greetings n Farewell the past 2 weeks..

Im not trying to change everything..but I applaud the very staffs who had worked with me.. for being supportive..& by working as a TEAM.

anywaes enaf about wrk..

Nordin came over my place last night..we watched Ninja Assasins on VCD.. but as I was lying down on his lap..I fell into sweet slumber barely 15minute into the show..when I woke up it was 12 n he haf to go home.. n oh..we have gotten our rings..

he has used hes..while I wait for the 13..

so that means hes hapily engaged..n me?

Im happily single hahaha

Ive not been feeling too well this few daes.. some staffs are falling sick too.. n well..

how my parenz fuss over my future hubby..

it was an unlikely story this life of mine..

I never thought that I would be engaged to anyone let alone get married..

but indeed it was a blessing in disguise..

he loved me more then anything n hes nt afraid to show it..

n shuckss..im cold lor=(

Tuesday morning 03:49

2010-05-25T03:43:00.000+08:00

ola ola

i WAS asleep..but I woke up coz somehow I fee like I wna weewee and then it was SO HOT..n thirsty somehow..
N now I cant go back to sleep

like stupid right..=(

u know..
me n nordin have not really quarrel..
but at times i just dont like the way he talks to me....I feel tat its not fair that I have to listen to him with a 20yr old thinking view when I need him to stand n behave like a 27yr old of which I know not to say impossible but very hard indeed..

everyone have their expectations when it comes to relationships..

being a les before taught me to be independent ie. nt to be dependent on guys knowing what they can unexpectedly do upon us..

yesh a stereotyped thinking courtesy of all women

anywaes i think my dad havent seen or known d fact that nordin has a tattoo..

mama knows..

n she was lyk dont tel your dad..selesai everything first..

I was like laughing lor..

my family likes him lar..

my younger sis is neutral though..

lolx

I shall try to go back to sleep n aniwaes I have a job interview first at 9am..if they offering me gd stuff, I might decide to leave MFM..

I love mfm..but the many times they talking about my promotion n then seeing someone else going up before me when they have contribute to the company barely a few mths..its kinda demoralising..

n the fact that I need the monthly cash..I have obligations alwaes but now extra since I need to help my fam with the payments of this wdlands rental plc..

k lah this will be all for now..

byby I love u.

n i mish u much=(

this love you breathe

2010-05-23T01:54:00.000+08:00

ola ola

" aku ingin engkau selalu..hadir dan temani aku, di setiap langkah yg meyakini ku..kau tercipta untuk..sepanjang hidupku.."

I love this song.
Everytime I heard this I feel like crying.
I miss illyas somehow.

I never mt nordin today..
maybe tmw..he will come over n send me to wrk..insya-allah
sometimes..I feel like Im testing his patience..or simply pushing him away..

" sungguh..hanya diri mu yg aku cintai..dan sungguh ku kan disisi mu hingga ku mati.."

this coming friday we gna find our ring for our engagement..insya-allah..

This I promise you..

2010-05-16T02:06:00.000+08:00

ola ola..
"promises are meant to be broken"
I guess u guys would have heard it too many of a tym..
It was something I hold on to..to those who wants me to hold on to their words..I told them directly that I dnt tke promises coz I dnt believe in it..
n I dont do promises as well..
Not that I cant keep it..
but I know the pain of not keeping to one promises..

Next Mth 13 June.. Insya-allah.. Nordin n me will be holding the title of fiance/fiancee..
we both have our own expectations over how we want each other to be..
n the gd thing is that with him..
theres no communication breakdwn..
even though the fact wont change that hes 7 yrs youngers than me..

Ive seen what my parents went thru..another fact to be known by others that my dad was only 18 when he got married to my mom whos 24..
yes 6yrs youngers..
I was sceptical..still..
but hes been really nice to me..taking in my nonsense tantrums n demands..when I sulk worst than a 3 yr old kid..hes still there calling me "mi mi love you"
n my defences came down..
it aint fair that after that I went thru Im giving him half past six emotions to him justcoz im afraid that he wld b the same like illyas..
comparing is another thing..
but stereotyping is a whole lot more different..
I haf nothing against Illyas honestly..

But what ever which happen things which Im not suppose to do but i do or suppose to but didnt..
it was a lesson learnt..
but I wnt change to d extreme..
I call him..go out with him..
talk to him..
I did what I did coz I dont wna bad history to come back again..
Losing someone you loved very much aint easy..

Muhammad Nordin..
I love you..
N I pray that you will be the last guy Im gna b wif.
Love you by by.

wld u alwaes be mine?

2010-05-13T02:27:00.000+08:00

ola ola..
I was asked a queastion by someone.. if in a way if Im ready for marriage?
I am..but never had d chance to talk about marriage to someone who will love me unconditionally..

insya-allah..
next mth..either 12 or 13 June.. Nordin will be sending his family to propose..to ask my hand in marriage..
n honestly.. Im excited..n happy..
I still remember telling pple on how I dnt intend to get married..
on how I dnt need a guy..
n right now as we planned the whole future//I wont even say yes if i cant see US in d picture facing the future together..
me plus him..
pple say that we aint compatible..the fact that hes only 20..
pple worried that he might still wna enjoy and all..
but I will give him the benefit of a doubt..
I aint any typical lady.

the plan is...end of this mth go ring hunting..
we'll be engaged for abt 9 mths b4 we will get married..
yup..we wna get married in february next yr..27 february..
insya-allah..
hopefuly i will get to taste the happiness that Ive alwaes wanted..=)

DAYANG VOICE SUCKS hee

2010-04-25T23:41:00.000+08:00

ola ola

really really my sis voice sucks lor ..its like man but not man..but more to the guy wna be girl hehs..
love u sis=p

tmw got operation meeting..n I haf to submit my DC report by tmw..but I OFF tmw..n I dun haf the needed reports in hand ..told chit to email me the needed report so I could do from home..
really..
its not easy to be outlet in charge..
its only me n chit..
while she covers operations.I have to dwell more on paperwrks..
Monthly submission, Staff scheduling, Weekly submission. DC report, Payroll, system inventory..
im done with staff schedulin,payroll n system inventory..

just now send me MR BF to camp..he might book out on thurs..
theres lotsa stuff I just got to know..it was shocking news but nevertheless..
di persimpangan dilema
to tell or not to tell=(

waiting..

2010-04-24T20:27:00.000+08:00

"dimanakah berakhir nya nanti..sandiwara cinta mu ini..apa yang ku ingin kan kejujuran dalam perhubungan.."

Ola ola..

Ralph is in Phillipines..Michael on leave..n the next thing I knew was that I haf to be the outlet in charge.
System inventory which Ive bn doing..along with the rest of stuff which I need to do..
staff scheduling, DC report, payroll, submissions..
I thought I will crumble somehow..

im waitin for Mr BF to come fetch me..now its already 8plus..

Mr BF n me talk alot..
about everthing..
as it is.. we have our plans..
insya-allah.. this Nov..
an engagement to be in d cards.

right now..
Im just living life..
wrkin..
I wanted the pay..
not the post..

im tired lor..=(
been staying bck this few daes..
to oversee the ops..
at least if gt really busy then can help out..at the same tym I cn do my paper wrk..
need to submit DC Report on Mon..

gtg he's here already..=)

real love?

2010-04-15T22:14:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

like all my staffs had mention..my love story in my life is full of excitement..smething they can learnt from..
and then..I remind them..but again..as much as I haf this strong posture outside..i m human after all, with a heart..
yes..right now I m indeed attach..
as everyone's wishing me lucks n all..
deep in me im sceptical s usual..
I dnt trust anyone except for myself..

Refrain from breaking my heart

2010-03-18T10:47:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

white flag.
I nd a lappy.
I wna run away.
tired.
thin out to the core.
Lyf Sucks.
wants..
needs..
SEX..
lolx..

I dont know what to feel anymore..
single for 3 mths n countin..
Will I commit again?
I doubt so..
not in the near future..
but who am i to say rite?

theres talk that I might be transfered to another outlet.
maybe its time.
I will miss WS definetely.
I have a gd offer at another place too
so its either I stay in MFM or go elsewhere...

this 24 would be 3 mths exactly since illyas go..
although he on off contacted me..
I hope he wont contact me anymore..
its killing me..

honestly rite now..
I only haf pinky prince (yes shes still around)Taz (yes my ex) Zari (my close fren) Zacky (my new fen)..im building my fren base for now hehs..
if not i will end up being a loner for all my life=)

I wna watch many movies..the last show I ctch is My name is Khan..
SUPERB acting from Shah Rukh Khan n Kajol..
my 2 fave actor n actress..=)

fave song for the moment..
its kinda too late but
Two is better than one by Boys like girls..

mahal kita kung alang mo lang

2010-02-10T21:49:00.000+08:00

Ola ola..

I love him then. I love him before. I love him now. I love him still.

n its hurting me.
how can I walk away..
I wish I can walk away..from everything..
from what Ive believed in..
from what ive built from the very start..
people wna be understood..but they refuse to understand..
many people was against the idea of me still waiting for my ex..
illyas..
ya allah..I dnt know how to face my life anymore..
of what Ive faith on..
its beginning to fade away..
of what I used to hold on to..
its slipping away..
of what I believed in..
its losing itself..
on wat people says..
on what the situation is holding..
he might return to me..to expect the unexpected..
hes here in my heart..
but far away frm me..
reality is..he belongs to someone else..

of wat he apologise..
of what he explains..
of what he is when hes with me..
of how he makes me feel..
I cried..I laughed..both for joy n pain..n pleasure..
ya allah..all I needed is him..

but I dont think he could see.
im being someone cold I dnt wna be in a r-ship for now.
im afraid I will be in revenge mode like before..
that I dnt nd a guy in my life.
ya allah..I wna cry..
ive bn crying that it hurts..
I wish I could just die..
ya allah..help me..

unbeautiful

2010-02-05T23:47:00.000+08:00

ola ola..
assalamualaikum..

as it is..Im FUKCING having a stiff neck seh=(
i feel old lah..usin d salonpas..heh
haiz...
tmws me mamas bdae..
dnt know wat to get her..
then some mre sunday I need to go my cousins wedding..

updates on my lyf?
SECRETARY FOR TAGGED FC other than that..
i will go solo for a while..
maybe for a long while..
I need to get over him first.

-->Rex Anthony Cruz Dumdumaya<-- my guardian angel

2010-01-18T10:22:00.000+08:00

Ola ola..

it was painful this 2mths..
I was against myself..of what I believe..
d hope that gave me strength totally thin me out to the core..
he's never mine..
n I have to let go..

time will heal me..
but I guess it will still hurt as i get better in time..

still..
Thank you..
very much to one soul who was there all along..
anthony,
my current bf..

yes it was a quick decision..
I was never out of love with Illyas..
but..
surely I deserve to be happy?no?

anthony..
total opposites of what illyas was..
I never regretted..
I wished..
I prayed..but I guess..
right now..
with ton2 by my side..
Im cherishing every single moment with him.

me n anthony will be in genting for 3 nites..
departing on 22nd and comin bck 25th noon..
he wil be celebrating his 22nd bdae this 25th..

for now..
I will try to be strong..
ILY.

apakah sebenar yg terjadi..

2010-01-04T00:54:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

its been tiring..im not feeling well.i think im gna get a sorethroat..
sexy voice n all..hopefully it wnt worsen or i will sound so shemale..lolx..

m like wondering should i get a lappy or still go as planned to go genting on my own..
I need to retreat..like for seriously..
to find my ownself..

I met illyas last nite..
after for so long..he texted me..
n I cried..
i think i cried too much..
we talked..
well..i did my talking..
i was choking on my own wrds..
i dnt know..why..
he told me many times thats theres nothing to talk about..
so i kept quiet..
n now hes back again..
leaving me with more questions..
of which he told me directly last nite that he wont answer..

I want him bck in my life..
but hes not saying any thing..
"so what if it hurts me?
So what if i were to breakdown?"

I cant wait til tues..or maybe weds pay coming in=)

is this the way its going around..is tis d way we say gdbye?

2009-12-25T10:33:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

when I need assurance..
nothing came my way..
when I wasnt expecting..his lil actions came out suprising my every nerve..
peek-a-boo..
n then i will cry..
call me a fool..
or retarded if u want to..
I stand my ground..
although the hope that once gives me strength is fadin away..n im wearing thin down to the core.
im missing him.
wil it hurt him to actually tell me that he misses me too?
will it be wrong for him to tell me that he still loves me d way i do?

unless..
he dont feel that way anymore.

I wont regret all this tym I spent with him.
the choice I made being with him.
d fact that I let his words linger way too long then I allow any guy to be..
he was never perfect..
becoz im not too..
but hes every lil thing that i need him to be..

im gng bck bdk later tmw after wrk..to help prepare stuff for my bro engagement..
then..
maybe..
just maybe..
i will call him.
if i allow myself to, that is.
i know i will cry.
but he've seen me cry.

im afraid i will breakdown.

n i dnt wna him see me breakwdown..when he knows that hes my reason.
he's my weakness.

ya allah,
he's my life.
things arent easy anymore.

y r u doing this to me.
y are u doing this so easily to me.

I should have known this wasnt real..
everything that Ive fought for him.
is the fact that I wan him.i need him to be near.

ke mana kau pergi syg..

ps: ive watched avatar--> ITS AWESOME!!!!
n sherlock holmes too!!!
great movie..
Im gna catch the chipmunks too=)

UNAVAILABLE

2009-12-21T19:06:00.000+08:00

Ola Ola..

theres a new friend whom Ive just got acquainted with..a lasy..
she sent me this sms.. avery long one..but I teared up when I read it.
so here goes..wna share with u all..

Love is a funny thing.
well, Not literally..
but..
When you expect it to be easy..
that it will be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only i movies.
You expect Him to alwaes says the right thing and alwaes know exactly how u feel..
or exactly how to react to it..
You expect him to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away..

You expect so much that you feel entirely and utterly defeated when something doesnt match up to all your plans..
But thats the thing..

LOVE isnt a plan..It doesnt have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end..or a visible finishing line to those deeply in it..

Love happens.
It is so incredibly messy.
People around you cant comprehend why you do the things you do..or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain..

Because simply, They cant see.

They cant see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love..
Its inconvenient and painful and devastating at timed but we cant live without it.

What you dont learn is how hard love is.
How much work it takes.
How much of ourselves we have to put into it.
How it isnt worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it..

LOVE isnt him calming you down when you yell..
Its him yelling just as loud just as hard right back at you..right in your face to wake u up and to keep u grounded..

It isnt him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that makes your relationship appears more presentable.
Its right after a long fight that drains the life and bones right out of both of you and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway..

Its not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So NO, its not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be okay.
Its him standing there admitting he's just as scared as you are.

You have to remember that with LOVE, youre not the only one involved.
Youve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palm of anothers hand and saying..Here, Do what you will.Mash it into a million pieces.
Mash it into meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you in the first place.Just as long as you have it.

It makes reality invinsible and it erases all the lines that we shouldnt cross.
Because love isnt about fencing ourselves in..
feeling safe..
feeling sure about the future..

Its about scaring he shit out of every nerve in our body but pushing forward anyway.
Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it.
N its a hell of a lot better than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling "HAPPY" and feeling "WHOLE"..

true right?

this is life.
everyone else is telling me to let him find me.
nut how cn I?

"how can I not love you..
what do i tell my heart?
when do I not want you..here in my arms..
How does one walks away..
from all of the memories..
how can I not miss you..when you are gone..

How can I not love you?

8.4 black currant vodka

2009-12-17T02:23:00.000+08:00

ola ola..

been drinking this few daes..
d 7-11 in WS nt gd lah.. what offers else where not offered here..blueks..

I love illyas.
I do.
n with this..I realised that I will fight for him.
even if that meant that I haf to wait.
lotsa pple said lotsa stuf..but I cant be bothered for d fact that Ive known him frm d start.but of coz..d possibilty of me blinded by the fact that I loved him..

this staffs of mine..crazy lot..
playing truth n dare..but well..im out of it lah like totally=)
been there done that..

anywaes HAPPY 1st YR Anniversary for MFM WS=)

by,
ive loved u..
im gng thru a difficult moment without u here.but I wil be waiting.
love u. stil.
missing u. alwaes.

unfounded fears..

2009-12-14T10:25:00.000+08:00

ola ola

im afraid.

very afraid.
I dnt knw wat to feel anymore.
everyday i start off with the day wondering if today will be the last time I saw him..
n each nyt before I go to slp I wonder if he ever gna call me again.

n todays one instant.

last nyt..he went out with his frenz..
went to orchard towers.
I trust him.
but he spark a doubt in me by saying things he shouldnt b saying.
I dnt know if he realised what hes doing.
im jaded.
yes.he txt me every hr.
but thats it.
i dnt know if hes hme.
my calls unanswered.

ya allah.
im not strong to go thru all this things again.
he said everytime he heard about engagement he wld get irritated.
I made mistakes for sure.
but I haf to fight for my right s a gf.
I hadnt had it easy.
I loved him.but hes hurting me.

by, why r u dng this to me..=(

Min N Nurul's Engagement

2009-12-12T17:36:00.000+08:00

Ola Ola..

heres to all..
invitation for each of you to my lovely younger bro's engagement to be held on
Date: 27th December 2009 ( Sunday)
Time: 2pm Onwards
Venue: Blk 35 Bedok South ave 2

and of coz everyone was asking and wil be asking whens my turn..
I wish..it wld be soon..
but I dont wna push my luck..
if illyas meant to be mine..he wld be..insya-allah..
he wnt even confirmed my request that hes in a r/shp with me..boohoo=(
yah..he say hes attached but..haiz..=(=(

today he got soccer match but m wrking now..
=(
he gave me an LG Secret phone..
Thanx by..
really appreciate it=)
no more using the chi-phone..ahakz.. tomorrow wrking opening..mon also..then tues off..
this 2 nites been spending at his place..
n m missing him..
haiz..
12 more days..
4th mth anniversary..2more mths..it wld be half of the yr gone..

I saw this poem in my sis blog..

"hopelessly I love u endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give u anything
But I wnt give you up..
I wnt let you down..
N I wont leave you falling..
if the moment ever comes..."

Love you illyas.

camwhoring..

2009-12-04T00:51:00.000+08:00

ola ola

camwhoring as usual=)

as im typing tis out im still at ws..they haf this gas inspection n we were not told that we have to stay back..very irritatin..now its already gna be half past 1am..best thing is im wrking openin later.n d worst is..I cnt spend tym wif illyas.=(

I'm so sad already=(

alah..pay not out yet also..sadsad..*sniffsniff*

..theres talks of new outlets..

staff increments (=pyay!!)bonus (yippee!!)..promotion(dblewah!!)

im so so so looking forward..=)

i like tis pic<<--hahas

if possible i wna upload illyas pic..but better not hahahahahahaah

wah wat tym siah finish...=((((((

k lah..this wld be all for now..will update u guys again soon=)

hapy bdae to me=)

2009-11-30T10:26:00.000+08:00

Ola ola..

hapy hapy bdae to me..hee=P

i'm like 26 nw..yeah..

when everyone else was wishing me..n askin me how old m i..n i was like im 18..

hee

n illyas will throw anything he could get his hands on to me..lolx=)

chit bought me a huge teddy bear..LURVE it..hee

its at illyas plc..

he complaint tis morning tat my bear disturb him..haha

the very person sharing the same bdae as me..my swtheart Nas..

Hapy bdae swtheart=)

finally ure 18..hahahaha

n pinky prince..happy bdae to u too..

s it is..when I checked my facebook acct..

i saw that illyas had left me a bday note..

n when I saw his profile made my heart flipped..

i nearly cried..

ahaks..emoing..

just that..

its the best bdae gift I could ever get from him..hahaha

k not really lah..but its gd enaf..

to everyone it might nt matter that much..

but well, he changed his status of being single to in a relationship..

n it touched me..

i love him for hell I do..

im afraid to fall n hurt myself again..

but everything seems surreal now..

im looking forward to be staying with him..

then..it would be a different story..

it would be a harder fall if he were to leave..

but Im gna cherish what we r having now..

by..

wrds will remain wrds..

but my love is all i have to give.

I love u.

heres somes pics taken at club bentley where i celebrated with illyas soccer mates n my 2lovely bros..